There are six stages of development in long-term/lifetime relationships. Stages are the predominant theme, but there are flashes of experience from other stages.
1. The romantic and exciting chemistry. The reactions of something new. Two ideas you might find interesting are the “dopamine theory” and Dorothy Tennov’s concept of “limerence.”
2. The rub (i.e., polarity is the dynamic and process of refinement). Fighting is navigating and negotiating. It is polishing, reshaping and transforming the rough edges towards an emergence of refinement and evolution.
3. Acceptance; a “serenity prayer” of no longer trying to change the other but learning to change yourself.
4. Growing together and learning to work together in a complementary manner. And this is the stage of regulation, balance and flow, for each person and with each other in the relationship. It is the dynamic liquid stage.
5. The grace of being with each other and allowing each other to be who they are. Again, in a sense of “the Serenity Prayer. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The two levels are: to change your response to whatever happens. And changing yourself (see below).
6. The deep appreciation (after death or a break-up) for the experience of being with the other soul who has helped you grow and refine yourself.
Many relationships just cycle through stages one and two. And then repeat these stages with another person.
The significant factor in relationships with others “is the relationship with yourself.” This is your primary relationship. If you have discovered yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. And are becoming your better/best self with reasonable knowledge of your goals, values and what you can share. Then you can align with another going in a similar direction.
If you are young, don’t worry; you will figure it out. Once you discover the one person … your person. It’s not necessarily easy, but it is doable. Seasoned relationships can be both the hardest and most wonderful experiences of life.
Excitement and peace become treasured. Merely the dynamic ebb and flow dance in the crucible of life.
Blessings,
Tim