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Back Cover
You are about to discover a wonder-filled and terrifying journey of raising great kids. An orphan to wild child, delinquent dropout to terrified father with a career in crisis mental health. Tim shares a handbook of thoughts on parenting; earned from his down and dirty experiences. A “how-to guide” of raising a child that is competent, confident, and resilient. A kid who knows what it takes to get things done for themselves.
There are three great forces in life.
Loving, Changing, and Growing.
Understanding these forces will assist in your endeavors.
Love is the greatest force in the universe.
Change Happens; is constant and inevitable.
Growing can be simple, intuitive, and elegant.
Table of Contents
Preface The things I wish I had known.
Dedication To all the souls…
Introduction A handbook of brief reflections of what parenting involves.
What’s in the Parts Each Part (chapter) contain concepts, strategy, and skills/tactics.
Part 1 Foundations of Parenting The role and task of parenting.
Part 2 Childhood Ages 0-7, Laying down the OS (operating system) of the self, world and future.
Part 3 Kids Ages 7-14, An introduction to socialization and learning to fluently interact with the world.
Part 4 Teens Ages 14-21, Finding who they are and how to be in the world.
Part 5 Young Adults Ages 21-28, Discovering and shaping their world by being and interacting in the world.
Part 6 End Notes Finishing thoughts for parents.
Acknowledgments All souls (including you) are the masters. Yoda-like beings who are terrifying, challenging, and awe-inspiring.
About Me The good, the bad and the ugly.
What’s Next ???
Title Page
Love Change Grow: The Way of Parenting
Love Change Grow © 2015 by Tim Justice is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International.
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Preface
You and your child are sovereign beings. Being sovereign, you have the authority and responsibility to discern what is useful (or not) for you and your child. Trust your inner guidance. The question to ask yourself. “Does this align and resonate with who I determine myself to be?”
The content and concepts are a gift to use and share as you determine. It is a bird’s-eye perspective; to stir deep feelings, knowledge and wisdom that live within you. This is a frame and canvas on which to creatively paint your parenting experience. It is not intended to be comprehensive. Explore and use the wide range of experts, groups, and resources that are available.
The content stems from my experience. As an unruly kid, a terrified father, and a witness to parental struggles as a crisis mental health consultant. The inspiration is to help parents and families. Offering a map of the developmental phases. And a few strategies and tactics of how to get through it. The goal is to increase your confidence in raising a competent, responsible and resilient child. Resulting in a more joyful journey with your child.
These are the things I wish I had known. Wishing someone had clued me in when I was an unruly kid, a terrified father, and a crisis consultant. It is the story of wondering and asking myself, “what the hell is happening and what can I do?”
Book or post, it’s both. Ultimately, I did not want to go through the time, energy and expense of publishing and marketing a book, resulting in an expense to both of us. Thus, “a book in post form” that saves the expense for both of us. And aligns with my values that “sharing is the new wealth.”
Dedication
In dedication to the souls who have made great sacrifices to teach this snot-nosed orphan.
Introduction
The handbook contains brief reflections on what parenting involves. An elevated big picture of parenting. Intended to help parents understand a foundation, framework and process for raising competent and resilient children.
Our default is that we parent like we were parented… the good, the bad and the ugly. Are you feeling anxious, frustrated and unsure of what to do? And what you have been doing is not working for both you and your child? This is about the down and dirty stuff. The things I wish I’d known as an unruly kid, a terrified father and as an often-humbled crisis MH consultant.
This handbook is for parents. And perhaps teens and young adults who are trying to figure out what is happening. The concepts provide a framework and process when working in a variety of situations, e.g., family shelters, home schooling, etc. It can easily scale from individuals to service programs and organizations.
What’s in the Parts (chapters)
Each chapter contain concepts, strategy, and skills/tactics that can be useful in interacting with your child. Part 1 discusses the foundations of parenting. Parts 2-5 discuss the seven-year development periods. Each part highlights important concepts, reasons, and parenting tips.
Within each seven-year period, there are four seasons. Spring is about introductions. Seeing what there is to do. It is about noticing the potential of things. Summer is learning by doing. It is experiential learning, with the trials and tribulations inherent in experience. Autumn is the harvest of what has been learned and applied. It is the congealing and distillation of what has been learned. A harvesting of the essence (competence and confidence) which is the formation of a seed or fruit. The winter is an introspective process. It involves an expansion through wondering and wandering; to discover what else might lie beyond the known. There is a repetition of the seasonal cycle within each developmental cycle. Thus, each developmental phase is an expanding spiral of development beyond the prior developmental phase.
Another simple way to view this is: see one, do one, teach one, and be one. Progressing to the next uplifted level… again to rinse, lather and repeat. Or see one and become inspired. Do one and experience what it really takes. Teach one, sharing your stuff cements what you have learned. Last is being one, which is being who you are, which can inspire others. You own it, knowing what it takes through your experience. And now you want something new to expand yourself. Parents, this is the process of expansion from inspiration to competency and confidence. On to responsibility and resilience that inspires. This is a simple and efficient way to conceptualize helping you and your child build confidence and resilience. And to discover the “acorn” of you being a parent which will inspire your child’s path in life.
Part 1 Foundations of Parenting
It is difficult finding straightforward and easily understood information in the immense ocean of information. Insight and understanding a child’s experiences and the developmental tasks enables you to guide your child’s growth and wellbeing. Teach them to love, change, and grow gracefully.
What is your parenting mindset? Our mindset mainly comes from the experience of being raised by your parents. Regardless of your childhood experiences good, bad, or ugly. Your childhood does not limit you as a parent. You can decide to raise your child differently. The founding question is how do you see your role, responsibilities and tasks as a parent? These can be overwhelming. An operational strategy is necessary. A clear, easy, and basic recipe of how to put it all together. And one that you can adjust to your taste, sensibilities and values.
The Love Change Grow is a strategy for raising great kids. A straightforward approach without a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo. Deeply rooted in common sense with a bit of psychology. You already have the ingredients. It is a ”how to” practical approach and a few skills that you can immediately do regardless of your child’s age.
Think of this as a basic recipe for making pizza. In fact, you can read this recipe in less time than it takes to make and bake a homemade pizza. Cost less than takeout pizza and will give you a lifetime of enjoyment. A recipe is a list of the ingredients, how much when to mix and at what temperature and for how long to bake. And of course, tips on how to serve it up.
It’s a simple plan to raise confident and happy children. Not always easy or clean. It takes some time and effort but is very doable. You choose the toppings, i.e., the values, morals and ingredients that are important to you, your child and family.
Intent and Purpose
The intent and purpose are to present information and guidance for your consideration. These concepts can directly and immediately help you, your children, family and your community. This is the stuff I wish I’d had known as a wayward teen, a new father and early in my career as a crisis consultant. You are a sovereign individual that discerns what you want, need and what is useful for you and your kids.
Context
The main goal is to provide some simple and easy-to-understand ideas. Then to focus quickly on making things happen for you and your child. There are examples of scripts for interacting with your child from being a toddler to their mid-late 20s. This is an opportunity for generational change. Be the parent that you wish you would have had. But more important, the parent that your kids will appreciate and subsequently will base their parenting on for your grandkids. Make no mistake, it begins with you.
News reports a mess of family crises. An epidemic of suicides, drug abuse, violence, and other horrifying events. Attributing blame and shame are not helpful. When lost, it’s important to stop and figure out where you are. And have a strategy of what to do. If you have a map, recipe or strategy it might not be easy, but you have a plan or at least an idea of what to do.
The Three Forces: Love, Change and Growing
Love
Love, passion and joy are the greatest force in the universe. It is superior because it is inspirational. Would you rather get chased all over hell by your fears, demons and anxieties? Only to run faster so you don’t get caught! Or you can choose to be inspired, chasing your love, passions and joy.
Change Happens
Change happens whether we love it or fear it. When inspired to follow our love, passions and joy. Change is a growth opportunity. Understanding the basic force that “all things change” is a huge realization. There are only two forces at play. Fear and love that cycles in a dynamic ebb and flow pattern that creates change, challenges and opportunities. Without change, there would be nothing to challenge us. There would be no curiosity or wonder; nothing new to learn, experience or to explore.
Obviously, life is a dynamic change. Life provides puzzles or challenges, which are opportunities to change, discover, learn and grow. Life flows in cycles; there is an ebb and flow. Knowing this enables you to maintain a position of relaxed attention and the ability to go with the flow. But how or where do changes happen? Change happens where and when there is space. WHAT! For change to happen, there needs to be space. The time or allowance for it to happen. If everything; activities, schedules, etc. is so compacted or filled. Change has a brief or very little opportunity to blossom. Think back to memories where there was an experience of sudden insight, learning, revelation or an epiphany. Sudden change happens when there is space, a few minutes of quietness or perhaps being outside doing nothing or just going for a walk or playing. In gardening, plants need space to grow. They need space for air flow and sunlight. The soil needs to be loose enough so that water can seep in, where there are pockets of air and roots can penetrate and extend, growing deep. It’s the same thing for change to happen. If things are so compacted, tight and closed there is very little opportunity for change to happen. There is no space for new things to seep in.
Change is also movement. A sign of change is when there is movement. Dynamic interacting forces move and change. If there is little movement and space to move, there is only minor change, and it takes a long time. An example is a rock or boulder. The boulder is relatively solid, it just sits there and does not move. Over many years because of the erosion of wind, water and heat/freezing, it will eventually change. Compared to air; with air, where it is mostly space, the weather or clouds are in a state of constant and rapid change. It is not reasonable to be immovable or stubborn as a rock nor as fickle as the wind. Change as space, time and movement is something to be aware of and consider. Parents, you are providing a garden for your children to grow.
But you can heavily influence change. You change by deciding whether to be chased by fear, demons and anxieties. Or chase your love, passions, dreams and joy. It is in this decision, is where your alignment lies. Your choice, your change.
Growing, the Garden Metaphor
Like gardening, navigating life’s changes while pursuing joy and passions is simple and elegant. Gardening embodies a metaphor for growth. Growth occurs in cycles; there is spring, summer, fall and winter. It contains a framework for understanding the process of change. It clues us in to the tasks of what to do and when. Simple, accessible, scalable, and easily understood, it is a valuable tool. It also incorporated the ideals of resilience, sustainability and organic growth. We change in cycles and seasons. In life we have many gardens: projects, relationships, careers, family, and more. These are the “gardens of the soul.”
Gardening is a simple yet deep model, metaphor, or a strategy. In psychological terms, it is a pattern. Specifically, it is a repeating pattern or fractal that has a cyclical movement that is perennial. It is ongoing open-ended and ever emergent. Being aware of this pattern allows several things. It enables predictability and / or expectation. It provides a reference for what season you are in and what the tasks to be done in each season. Knowing this pattern with its seasons relieves much of the stress, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. This knowledge enables a person to know where they are. What to expect and what they can do. It provides opportunities to align and actualize love, passion, dreams and joys.
Many people have little idea of strategic change. They lack a clear understanding of the process of change and growth. Presume we are the garden, the gardener and the tomato plant in the garden. Each season requires a different task. Spring involves germination and planting. It is about planning, preparation, i.e., gathering knowledge, tools and resources. Summer is about establishing a daily routine of working in the garden. It is essentially being the gardener/servant and establishing the routine of tending the garden. In the fall, we harvest the fruits of our labor. However, it requires us to decide which fruit is ripe and what to do with it. Winter is a season of introspection. It is going inside and working with the gardener. It’s a time of evaluation, self-reflection, renewal and rebirth. Many find winter uncomfortable. It can be dark with fear, anxiety and loss of direction. But winter is essential. Winter’s meaning unlocks a wondrous season of renewal and anticipation.
Change, crisis, and opportunity are interwoven. In understanding how to navigate change, we can actualize opportunities for growth. The difference between a crisis and an opportunity is mindset. If you have a map, you can navigate where you want to go. If not, you can easily get lost, which can become a crisis. A crisis is when you don’t expect or want to change, and you don’t know what to do. Versus opportunity is when you can expect, see and have an idea of what you want to do.
There are three principles that enable practical implementation. First, there is a frame-of-reference that offers hope and forward movement. Second, to establish a process that is easily understood, applicable and predictable. Last, to inspire and motivate implementation or execution toward making changes. Which is: Love inspires motivation. Change is inevitable and provides opportunities for aligned change. And gardening is an intuitive and elegant metaphor that guides the strategic execution of actualizing growth.
The Garden
We, our kids and community are in part, products of our environment. It is helpful to survey the environment/garden. Asking what in the garden supports or inhibits their healthy growth. Some of this will require that you be attentive; quick to discern and to eliminate weeds and toxic influences. Gardens that are diverse, interactive, dynamic and collaborative are healthy. There are a host of collaborators, e.g., bees, birds, worms, insects, fungi, etc. that are part of a larger ecology.
The Gardener
You are the gardener. You are working with the garden, and you are the primary influence that co-creates the garden and what is growing. This influence comes from what you expose, provide and how you interact with your child. Make no mistake, your kid(s) model their understanding based on their experience. Thus, as parents, have a tremendous responsibility and opportunity that will influence your child for the rest of their life. And your grandkids and great-grandchildren. This is not to scare you, but to convey excitement about the opportunity of what you teach your children about gardening. And how they can grow wonderful gardens in their life.
You want to expose them to sunshine, to love and grow, quiet/peaceful times to rest and a bit crap/fertilizer to challenge them to become resourceful, stronger, and creative. To learn that despite the crap that they can flourish and be resilient. And then there are the bees that pollinate their creativity and give them new puzzles and ideas.
Tomato Plant
The tomato plant is inherently perfect. Given a healthy environment and a mindful gardener. Give it sun, water, fertilizer, space, and support, and it will grow to its full potential. We don’t grow tomatoes. Tomatoes grow themselves. The gardener just tries to provide the conditions, supplements, protection, structure and support. The gardener/parent attends to them so that they can grow well. This is the same case with children.
Foundations of Parenthood
Parents, moms and dads; your kids are already perfect! You are just helping another human grow and actualize their inherent meaning, purpose and potential. You are helping your child by providing a healthy environment, a few tricks to live well and lots of love. Understand that your gifts to them are what you will receive. You reap what you sow. You will teach your kids’ lessons and skills that you have learned. And they, in return will provide opportunities for you to become more than you ever imagined possible. There will be times when it seems all there is a pile of crap. At first, this pile will smell ripe. However, with a bit of time and grace, the pile will become a gold mine of fertilizer. You need serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Basically, parents are teachers/gardeners/role models for their kids. Be mindful of what you are showing, growing and teaching. Kids don’t know any better than what we expose them to. Kids learn and copy what they see, hear, and experience. It is essential for you to understand this. As you become more aware of your behavior, what you say, what you show, how you interact and treat your child, you will have a greater positive influence on them. This is especially true during the first 7-10 years of their lives are your prime opportunity to guide them. Continue guiding them but adjust your methods as they grow. By their teens, they are developing their passions. Learning to step competently into living their life. The first 28 years of their lives are when you have the influence and opportunity to guide them. Their full capacity occurs in their mid to late twenties and your parenting tasks are largely done.
The relationship with your child is the secret. Of lesser importance is the “what, when, where, how and why.” It’s your relationship with them. Relationship is the conduit or connection to pass along what, when, where, how and why. Without the connection (relationship) it’s very difficult. Yet, if you have a good connection, it is much easier, efficient and clear. Also, this relationship needs to be a two-way connection. Using a telephone metaphor: If the connection is poor, it’s difficult. A strong relationship is essential. Relationship is primary!
Five Secret Opportunities
The first secret opportunity for a parent to influence their child is because “kids don’t know any better.” Therefore, the parent sets the expectations, routine and is just instructing them how to do it. Second, kids, like adults, thrive on routine and clear expectations. Structure and predictability help us function in life. Parents need to convey clear expectations and be consistent with both expectations and the routine or structure. The third secret is to start an age-appropriate structure, routines and expectations as early as possible. The fourth secret is that kids are scary smart. They pick up and learn things quickly. The challenge is to be several steps ahead while also being present to seize the current moment of opportunity. Remember that you are their role model on whom they will base their experience of their life. To take advantage of these opportunities requires your presence of both mind and heart. Specifically, you will need to see challenges as opportunities. This requires your faith, courage and understanding. Challenges help kids gain confidence and competence. And the fifth secret opportunity is that your kids will teach you and get you to do things that you never imagined; so, enjoy the adventure.
You Got This!
Because you are reading this. You are already 70% there. The first 50% is just recognizing that you want more for your kids, yourself and your family. Another 20% is because you are curious and have acted. So, the rest of this is simple, not necessarily easy, but very doable. You’ll feel comfortable, capable and ready. This is because you will know and understand basic principles, understand the developmental tasks that a child goes through. And will have practical knowledge, skills, tools and a strategy to raise a wonder-filled kid. So, the only thing left is to execute. However, only you will know what, when and how to execute according to what is best for you, your family and child.
The Little Big Bits
Love is the greatest force in the universe. This is a huge, yet a simple and elegant statement. Of course, you love your kids and only want the best for them. It is important to zoom in and clarify and define what is to be done here. First is just to love your kid. Be kind and tell them every day, no matter what they did, how you feel or what happened. “Hey kiddo, I love you.” They should hear this morning, noon and night, and whenever needed.
Encourage their development of love, i.e., their interest, curiosity and agency. Observe what, when and how. Tell them when they are being gracious. Complement the things that you want to encourage. Their love will often show up as an interest, curiosity, focus, attention and time spent. This will clue you in their passion. Once you have an idea, you can further develop this passion by asking them questions. Questions and statements like, “wow that is really cool, or I didn’t know that…” or I wonder why, how, when; ask them about it. Have them be creative and make up an imaginative story. Show interest but stay mysterious to keep them curious. Do things such as an adventure to a museum, soccer game or library so that they can find out more. Encourage them to be curious and investigate further on their own. In short, acknowledge and reward the things you want them to do. And the things you don’t want them to do, downplay it, or divert their focus. Or view it as an opportunity for learning. Asking them questions such as what did they learn, how do they feel or what they could do differently? Ultimately, this will help them develop the capacity for self-discipline and self-determination. There are very few times when it’s the end of the world. There is always tomorrow. And tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity. Take a deep breath, do what you can do today. Tomorrow will be different.
Learning Style and Capacity
Be mindful of their capacity and their learning style. Potential is what a child might do. Exposure, repetition builds and expands capacity for bigger challenges. It is like building muscles. Once a child has the muscles, they have the ability. If your child knows how and does something new, this builds competence. Competence leads to confidence and confidence is ownership. Confidence without first gaining competence is an illusion. A potential for disappointment and frustration. In extreme form; becomes anger, rage, and later hopelessness and depression.
In learning styles there are basically Doers, Observers, Rule Followers and Creators. But these learning styles are also based on capacity. For instance, a toddler is more about direct experiences (doers), and they do a lot. We often observe that children model or copy what they see. Observers are often reserved and mildly anxious. They will be on the edge watching and seeing if they can do it. And if all seems good, then they will jump in. And as they do more, they will progress in their ability. Rule-following involves higher-understanding of how things work. They’ll ask questions, listen, and want reassurance they’re doing it right, perhaps citing the rules. And once they understand the rules, will expect themselves and others to know and abide by the rules. And creators like to something a bit different… yes they do, they bend, stretch and break rules and delight in discovering something unseen.
All of this is simply the progression of “see one, do one, teach one and be one.” Another way to view this is the “what, how, and why” progression of learning. Every child does some of each. As your child grows; observe your child’s way they learn. And how it changes as they grow. Remember, parents, you are their first and primary role model. By understanding what they are good at and where they struggle, you can find opportunities to help them develop through creative and challenging methods.
Curt Richter’s rat study simply shows how learning, discipline, and hope create resilience. See links below.
The “HOPE” Experiment: | penpenny
In a nutshell, you now have the essential concepts to raise a great kid and be an exceptional parent. There are only a few things you need to add: your time, attention, effort/energy and values. And only you can do this. Establishing a routine or habit of reading, curiosity and agency provides structure and predictability. They will develop a sense of influence and control over their life. A therapist, psychologist, teacher, another family member, friend can offer you their perspectives, bits of advice, etc. But they cannot do it for you. However, there is one more piece of information that , while not essential, will be of significant strategic benefit.
Development in 7 Year Periods
Let’s start with a simple understanding of the developmental view of a person. The primary focus is on the first 28 years, divided into four 7-year periods. Each 7-year period has a spring, summer, fall and winter season. The spring is essentially new and uncomfortable; learning/growing something new. Summer is the learning by doing or practicing. Fall is when they get it; they are confident and competent. They developed a fair amount of fluency and can handle whatever challenges arise. Winter is the phase when they often become bored and restless, looking for a new challenge. It is essentially evaluating their progress, gaining a new awareness of a new sense of self or agency and then imagining it. The seven years are a rough estimate but in the ballpark. The first 28 years is the spring of a person’s life. It helps to prepare a person for the rest of their life.
Acorn Theory
An interesting place to start the discussion of developmental stages is James Hillman’s “Soul’s Code” (1997). Hillman proposes the “Acorn Theory.” It is the idea that a person has a unique destiny, imperative or purpose.
“The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling” outlines what he calls the “acorn theory” of the soul. The theory states that all people already hold the potential for the unique possibilities inside themselves, much as an acorn holds the pattern for an oak tree. The book describes how a unique, individual energy of the soul is contained within each human being, displayed throughout their lifetime and shown in their calling and life’s work when it is fully actualized.
Hillman argues against the “nature and nurture” explanations of individual growth, suggesting a third kind of energy, the individual soul is responsible for much of individual character, aspiration and achievement. He also argues against other environmental and external factors as being the sole determinants of individual growth, including the parental fallacy, dominant in psychoanalysis, whereby our parents are seen as crucial in determining who we are by supplying us with genetic material, conditioning, and behavioral patterns. While acknowledging the importance of external factors in the blossoming of the seed, he argues against attributing all of human individuality, character and achievement to these factors. The book suggests reconnection with the third, superior factor, in discovering our individual nature and in determining who we are and our life’s calling. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Hillman
Hillman’s idea is that a person searches for his or her own acorn/self. Winter is a time for reflection, finding meaning, and discovering new beginnings. This is much like Hillman’s notion of growing down or “rooting in the earth” and fits well with the metaphor of gardens of the soul. Many parents have an inkling of what their child may become. And as a father of 3 adult children who are now in the 30s, 40s and 50s (yes, one in each decade…30 years of child raising…CRAZY). It has been interesting and wildly fun to retrospectively see little buds of their passions when they were toddlers and small children. And now see where they have planted themselves and what they have become as adults.
Three Questions in Discovering the Acorn
The place to start is by pondering these questions. It is an adventure in which to discover the answers. They are simple questions but resonate deeply. The three questions are: Who am I? What is my passion or purpose? And what am I to do about it? The answers to these three questions help to orient, ground and give meaning to your child’s growth. Parents pay attention and listen. You might hear reference to these questions as statements that your young child makes. Like, I want to be a musician, doctor, I just love horses, music, poetry, painting, fixing things, etc. Self-reflection questions typically start in the mid-to-late teens. In older teens, it will show as teen angst in why am I here? Which is really the initial search for meaning and purpose?
Developmental Tasks
An easy way to think of development is in terms of 7-year chunks of time. In each developmental stage, there is a different task to accomplish. The child’s environment heavily influenced the first three developmental stages. Subsequently, parents are instrumental in these first three stages of development. Family support helps children learn and grow, enabling them to pursue their dreams. When viewed over a lifetime, the parental influence is brief but critical. There are many aspects to the parent-child interactions.
Two Parental Aspects
However, two aspects are worth noting. First, is the “relationship.” The parent’s view of their relationship to their child sets the tone or quality of how a child learns to learn or develops. The question is how do you see your primary role in the relationship with your child and in helping them to discover and grow their acorn? For example, what is your approach or style? Is the approach hands-off, highly controlled, open, directive, instructive, or supportive? Different kids will respond differently to different styles and there are pros and cons to each style. The trick is to match your parenting style to your kid’s learning and developmental style. Matching is just something to be aware of and consider that may make parenting relationship easier or more difficult. Of course, it is best to find a dynamic balance that includes measured opportunities and predictable structure.
Predictability
The second central aspect is to understand that “structure and consistency lead to predictability.” Children want to make sense of their world, to know how to behave, to take part and navigate their world. Consistent, structured parenting helps children self-regulate. Kids may complain about structure or routine; that it is the same old boring thing. But they need this, because it makes their life predictable. For example, if the child’s family life and environment is chaotic and unpredictable, what will be the child’s mode of operation or their behavior? The child will respond in one of several ways. Perhaps their response is anxious or unsure. They feel like they are walking on eggshells and unsure how to respond. Perhaps the child determines it does not matter what they do, they will get yelled at, anyway. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it does not. It is a gamble, so they might as well do whatever they want. Without structure, consistency, or predictability it is difficult to navigate a life they want.
Testing: One, two, three…testing, testing
There will always be tests. Sometimes you recognize it is a test. Other times it’s retrospectively recognized as a test. It is usually around the ideas of expectations and predictability. It helps to set up and be clear about your expectations and the consequences. Having clear boundaries and rules helps your child to learn and how to play the game. There are several tricks to make this work. The first is to be consistent with your expectations, boundaries and consequences; these are the rules. This way your child can expect or predict their best course of action; you are essentially helping them to develop strategies. Second, is when the test happens, don’t get upset, but handle the situation in a calm, quick and no non-sense manner. It’s like being a home plate umpire in a baseball game. First strike, pay attention. Second strike could be an effort. Or a foul ball; at least they are trying. Foul balls good, close and great attempt. Third strike, that is the limit. They are out until the next time at bat. The adult waited for the child to calm down before giving tips and setting expectations and boundaries. There is really no need to restate the consequences. They are aware of them. Perhaps, the better thing to do is ask them what piece they are missing (self-evaluation) and what they can do better next time (self-improvement). And tell that you love them.
For example, a toddler in a grocery or toy or store. We’ve all been there or have seen it. They see some candy or toy that they want and when the parent says no; the toddler throws a scene. One of the best things to do is to pick up the toddler and calmly walkout to the car. Of course, this is easier with two parents shopping. But you can also note to the store staff that you will be back in a few minutes. This happened with all three of my children. My toddler learned tantrums are ineffective. This is also like older children as a power struggle. You merely re-state your limit or expectation and then just calmly walk away. This then puts the ball in their court, and they have the decision to abide or ignore. However, because of their lack of where-with-all, capacity or resources they cannot manage a reasonable course of action. An example of this is: “I don’t like you or this is unfair; I am going to run away.” Your parent’s response is a calm “oh ok.” Don’t argue, beg them to stay, don’t pack their bags; just go about your usual business. But position where you can keep an inconspicuous eye on them and calmly wait. And when they return or get back in the car, say nothing for a while. This time of silence is for them to think and feel. It is a time-out. Then ask them what they were upset about or what they could do next time and/or what did they learn?
Tests during the 7-14-year period, it’s more about pulling shenanigans in front of their peers as a leverage to get you to do things. Your kid mistakenly presumes that you will cave into the (their) peer pressure so that you can be the cool/rad dad or mom. Again, you calmly state, “let’s go” and you calmly walk away and even perhaps get in the car and drive away. What your kid discovers is that their peers do not affect you and that they are now left up to their own wits. Of course, this is not a good look for them with their peers. And again, when you see them, you have a calm conversation about what happened. However, by calmly listening, often what you will find out there was some peer social drama. And this will be an opportunity to get a glimpse into what is happening with the peer group. And again, you ask them why do you think the peer drama is happening and what they might do about it. Which is really an invitation for a discussion for your kid to learn about peer social interactions.
During the 14-21-year period, it can be a bit of a hot mess. But it’s about a struggle for freedom but not yet having the mental or cognitive resources of life skills. They don’t quite have the ability for responsibly to make it happen. It is a battle with themselves. For example, my daughter the ski bum at age 15, came to me in October and asked me for a loan so that she could get her season’s pass. Noting that she did not save enough money. I calmly noted that the agreement since 6th grade was that she earned and budgeted enough money for her season pass. And noted I would not loan her the money. Well, she was mad as a hornet and had a few choice words. To which I merely stated that she was a smart girl and would figure something out. She stomped away and did not talk to me for a few days. About a week later, she came in and proudly stated that she had gotten her season’s pass. I asked how did she do that? Her reply was that she had gotten a job as a ski and snowboard instructor for the season and got her pass. “Great, I knew you would figure something out.” Of course, she then informed me I would have to drive her up to the hill every Saturday and Sunday. I instantly responded, “Don’t worry, you have lots of friends who can give you a lift when I’m unavailable.”
There will be tests. The number depends on your previous test performance and how well you set expectations. Consistent calm responses, good questions, and encouragement will help them learn fast. Remember to reward the things and behaviors that they are doing well. Clearly establish boundaries and the consequences of violating them or continuing poor behavior. Set clear boundaries and be ready to follow through with consequences. Keep in mind that test results may show a need for more challenging lessons, or perhaps a mismatch between learning and teaching styles.
Four Developmental Stages
A simple view of the developmental perspective. The primary focus will be on the first 28 years, divided into 7-year periods. A person’s first 7 years are about establishing a core sense of themself, their world and their future. Students in years 8-14 develop social skills and expertise in sports, arts, mechanical, and languages. Which includes the dynamics of peer communication, emotional fluency, social agency and physical agility. The third is about discovering who they are, their passions and learning skills to make things happen, i.e., self-efficacy, fluency and agency. Last, the 20s are about making the commitment to themselves. It’s the down and dirty; the grit of taking responsibility and ownership to make it happen.
Following chapters will cover development in kids, teens, and young adults. Elementary school kids learn about social dynamics and friendships. Developing the physical and mental agility of becoming fluent, flexible and flow. As a teen, it’s more about the frontal lobe and developing their executive functioning of planning, execution and contingency. And to develop and taking part in their “Wellness Routine.” The goal is you want your child to become a young adult who is happy, motivated, curious, competent, confident and an able member of their community. Basically, you have about a 21-year opportunity to help them. Having and understanding the developmental view provides glimpses of what, when and how as your child grows. It helps you to discover the opportunities for more fun, less expense, less fear/anxieties so that you can enjoy the adventures in parenting. The best time to start is now!
Part 2 Childhood, Birth to 7 years
The first 7-10 years is where the child gets the core sense of themselves, their world and their future. Essentially, they are laying down the operating system and learning how to process. It is establishing the fundamental pathways of their experience. How do they get this view of themselves? From you, how you treat them, from your relationship and interactions with them. Thus, it is important to examine and ask yourself how do you view, communicate and interact with your child? And what are your goals for them? It is not only the accomplishments that you want for them. But more importantly, their character and qualities of being. These are things like happiness, confident, resilient, and able to choose their own path, etc.
Four General Themes
Prince or Princess
A child treated as a prince or princess will view themselves as important and everybody else is in second place. They see the world is at their disposal and for their entertainment and at their beck and call. Their sense of future will be NOW. The prince or princess has the potential to be rather difficult if things are not going their way. They may lack the self-reliance and confidence to create opportunities and take charge of their own lives.
Piece of Dirt
A child treated like a piece of dirt or is unwanted or merely a piece of property or perhaps an inconvenience; what do you think will happen? Many feel undervalued and lack self-esteem. The world is an oppressive place. The future will appear dismal and perhaps hopeless. This child will have a depressive outlook and interpret life as a struggle. For others, if they have the fortune to change their mindset, life may become a “hero’s journey;” striving to become more than what they were told they were.
Raised in Chaos
If the family environment is chaotic, unpredictable or there is no consistency, the child may become rather anxious and fearful. Or become a risk taker, willing to gamble on opportunities because what else do they have to lose? Or maybe they become rather manipulative, attempting to control their environment. By observing and interpreting surroundings, they’ll become better at navigating, negotiating, and taking opportunities. Frequently first making sure their wants and needs are primary. But underlying these distinct personalities is a sense of self that is unsure of their self-worth and self-respect.
Being a Team
The child raised in a family who views the family as a team in which the child is a vibrant part. A child will view themself as a member of the team member. In which they are important and have certain duties or responsibilities. They feel there is a purpose, meaning and a responsibility to contribute to a larger existence than just themselves. Their world is a place where there is give-and-take. Their discovery involves developing and using negotiation and navigation skills. Knowing their work is important for their future. This child will develop a sense of self-worth, confidence and competence. For example, at 3 years old, a job maybe to feed the cat and putting away their toys. At 7 they have a weekly chore list and fixing dinner 1 time a week. And at 12 mowing the yard and cleaning the kitchen as part of their chores. And for teens… we’ll talk more about this later.
Maturity levels for these four themes range from potential to actual skills which develop to maturity over the first 28 years.
“The spectrum from immature to mature encompasses a wide range of behaviors and attitudes, influenced by emotional development, social understanding, and life experiences. Immaturity is often characterized by a lack of self-awareness, difficulty managing emotions, and challenges in interpersonal relationships. Maturity, on the other hand, involves self-reflection, emotional regulation, empathy, and a broader understanding of the world and its complexities.
Here’s a more detailed look at the spectrum:
Immature (Less Developed):
· Emotional Regulation:
Difficulty managing emotions, impulsive reactions, tantrums, excessive sensitivity, and difficulty delaying gratification.
· Self-Awareness:
Limited understanding of personal strengths and weaknesses, lack of self-reflection, and difficulty taking responsibility for actions.
· Interpersonal Skills:
Challenges with empathy, perspective-taking, understanding social cues, and building healthy relationships.
· Cognitive Development:
Difficulty with abstract thinking, logical reasoning, and problem-solving, especially in complex situations.
· Values and Beliefs:
Often driven by immediate needs and desires rather than long-term goals or principles, may struggle with moral reasoning.
· Social Behavior:
May engage in behaviors that are inappropriate for their age or context, lacking respect for others and boundaries.
· Learning:
Struggles with constructive criticism and learning from mistakes.
Mature (More Developed):
· Emotional Regulation:
Effective self-awareness, understanding emotions, managing stress, and making rational decisions based on feelings.
· Self-Awareness:
Deep understanding of personal strengths and weaknesses, self-reflection, and taking responsibility for actions.
· Interpersonal Skills:
Empathy, perspective-taking, active listening, conflict resolution, and the ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.
· Cognitive Development:
Abstract thinking, problem-solving, critical thinking, and the ability to analyze situations and make informed decisions.
· Values and Beliefs:
Strong moral compass, understanding of values, and the ability to make decisions based on principles.
· Social Behavior:
Respect for others, appropriate communication, adherence to social norms, and a sense of community.
· Learning:
Openness to feedback, adaptability, and a willingness to learn from mistakes and new experiences.
Key Considerations:
· Developmental Stages:
While the concept of maturity applies across the lifespan, it’s important to consider the developmental stage of an individual and what is considered appropriate for their age.
· Emotional Intelligence:
Emotional maturity is closely linked to emotional intelligence, which involves the ability to understand and manage emotions, as well as to recognize and respond to the emotions of others.
· Individual Variability:
Maturity levels vary greatly between individuals, influenced by factors such as upbringing, experiences, and personality.
· Learning and Growth:
Maturity is not a fixed state; it is a process of continuous learning and growth, with individuals developing new skills and perspectives throughout their lives.
It’s important to note that the spectrum of maturity is not a binary one, and individuals can exhibit characteristics of both immaturity and maturity at different times.”
(AI Generated)
Learning Style
How does a child learn or what is the child’s learning style? The three principle learning styles are: by doing, observing or following the rules. One of my kids was a doer, schooled by natural consequences and hard knocks. The youngest was an observer. “Geez, my older brothers were dumb. I can see that it did not work for them, and I don’t want to have that experience.” She was, at first, a little reserved. But would observe for a while and then if it looked fun and safe enough, she would jump in. Otherwise, she would walk away and find something else to do. The eldest was the rule follower. He would read the rules or instructions and made sure he understood the rules and how things are supposed to work. Then he would set about on checking things off on the list. He believed there was only one correct way to do things. Occasionally, when he knew he did something wrong, he even grounded himself.
When it is about safety, there are times to say a hard no! But when saying no. Also the note a reason or explanation that they can understand. There are also times when experience or the school of natural consequences is the better teacher. Children react to, learn from and are a product of their environment. Children watch our (the parent’s) reactions. We are their role models. Children are naturally inquisitive and want to learn. It is important to be mindful of what we are teaching them by our own attitudes, reactions, and behaviors.
Discipline and Timeouts
Discipline and timeouts are really about education. Time-outs are about moving a child to a calm place and an opportunity to realize what they could do better. Time to consider other alternatives for more appropriate behavior. During a time-out (1 minute per year of age), calmly explain the misbehavior. At the end of the time-out, have them tell you why they were in the time-out (to ensure they are aware and understand the offense). And ask them what they could do differently/better next time (you might need to suggest 1 or 2 more appropriate behaviors). Tell them, “I know you will do better next time” (you are setting the expectation and the belief that they are capable, i.e., that you believe in them). Last tell them you love them. Timeouts offer kids a chance to learn for themselves, better choices and self-belief.
Examples of learning: I distinctly remember as a toddler, putting a paper clip in an electrical outlet; I never did it again…excellent teaching from the old school of natural consequences.
Realize that children learn from their parent’s reactions…what to fear, what to feel or how to cope with a situation. A parent’s reaction sets a precedent of how to react in a similar situation. Toddlers, children and teens learn primarily from their parents, who are their primary role model… and later from their peers. We are all products of our environment. As an inexperienced counselor, I was afraid of dealing with children, teens and their parents. A mentor noted, “this is simple, children are products of their environment. If you want to understand a child’s behavior, look at their environment. Particularly at what the parents are doing or not doing that underlies the child’s behavior?” Winner, winner, chicken dinner…duh. This is an important thing to remember and note in many situations in life. Wondering what’s going on and why? Look at the environment or situation and what is supporting the behavior.
Early Education
With infants, it is about crawling around tasting and touching things. As toddlers, its identification, and the question is “what” cat, dog, bird, car, truck, etc. Then at two and three years old the question becomes “why?” Which is about how do things work? Stop, go, where, sleeping, etc. And of course, using the word “NO!” Later the toddler becomes insistent about wanting to do it themselves. Often what we hear is “No, I to do it.” They have developed an elemental sense of themselves, their ability/agency and thus want to do it themselves. Later, as preschoolers, there is a developing sense of mastery and accomplishment. It is the “show and tell” stage. They look for reinforcement, reassurances and praise. The kindergartener and first-grader are mastering skills and starting to interact more with friends.
Team Pizza
Let’s say the situation is, it’s your three or five-year-olds turn to decide what is for Wednesday’s dinner. The established family structure and expectation is that they will help prepare dinner. So, using the gardening metaphor. “Okay kiddo, what do you want to do for Wednesday’s dinner?” Pepperoni Pizza (love)! That sounds great! Ok first, we need to make a list and go to the grocery store so you can help pick out the things we need (spring, planning and prep). Then on Wednesday afternoon you and your kid review the recipe, make the dough and let it rise. Everything is ready then putting the pizza together and pop it in the oven. Meanwhile, getting the table and other things set for dinner (summer). During dinner it’s about fun, talking and sharing a wonderful pizza (fall harvest). After dinner and during the cleanup, you note; “that was a tasty pizza you made. Did you like how it turned out? What would you do differently next time?” “We need another pound of pepperoni” (winter/evaluation). This is just an example of incorporating the gardening metaphor into daily life. As your child becomes older, this structure and process supports their sense of agency that becomes second nature. They will have developed a natural fluency; knowing how to get things done for themselves.
Side Note: It’s commonly known that families who eat together stay together. Meaning it helps establish lifelong connection and relationships. It is an opportunity to share family meaning, values, and culture. Fewer opportunities arise as children become teenagers, but strong family relationships remain.
It Is About Relationship
Understand that family life during the first seven years of a child’s life has a lifelong impact on the quality of their well-being. A large part of the first seven years depends on the quality and content of the relationship with the parent and the family environment. The parent’s intention and mindful interactions are primary factors. Kids are observant. Children learn from what we expose them to. Which are their parents and family environment. Thus, it is important to be mindful of your behavior, feelings and the manner of your interactions and relationship with your children. Are we angry and intolerant, frustrated, anxious, and fearful, etc.? Or are we calm, instructive, encouraging and loving? What are you really teaching your child?
Parent timeouts: Sometimes we will be upset, irritated, and angry with our child. It happens and it will be ok. However, after you have some time and space to calm down and gather your wits; apologize. Tell them what you expect, how you felt, that you are sorry for yelling at them and that you love them. Own your feelings and behaviors. Apologizing notes it was not right and that you will do better next time. Again, you are the adult and their role model. You are showing them it is ok to acknowledge your mistakes or poor behavior. That it is normal to make mistakes, and it is not the end of the world. That you also try to learn from your mistakes and then move on.
A personal caveat: Growing up, I rarely saw my parents argue with each other. In past relationships, arguments left me lost, fearful, and expecting the end. And my response was to avoid, shut down or run away. Which, to my surprise only made things worse. Sure, our kids would see us get into it, arguments and such. But they also saw us apologize, make-up and forgive each other. Sometimes life is messy, dirty, ugly. Life is life. It is also beautiful, wonder filled and magical. Rolling around in the dirt can be some of fun but do it less than maybe 33% of the time.
Brain waves: Recently I’ve discovered there is some fascinating research and thoughts about this first 7-year period. If interested, I encourage you to do some reading. Basically, it is looking at the predominate theta brain wave patterns during the first 7-year period. Theta brain waves are associated with imaginal/fantastical/creative play. Perhaps it overlays or enwraps the basic operating system into the future story of the child. Our early childhood experiences shape our subconscious views of the self, the world, and our future. Like, programming a computer’s operating system. This “programing” remains relatively intact for the rest of their lives and correlates with the basic story of their life. Is their story of being a victim? Life is a struggle, and the future is bleak, a princess or a team player, etc.? Or that despite setbacks and challenges there are always opportunities which result in resilience and thriving?
In my life, raising 3 kids, and career, it is not the simplistic “either/or.” It is a combination of the child’s “acorn potential” of the childhood environment and parental influence. It is the experience that lays down the basic operating system. It is an introduction which sets up a life full of opportunities for learning and being. Parents, the first 7-10 years of your child’s life are the opportunity to influence their life and for future generations. What will you teach them?
Encouragement
Encourage them to develop what they love, i.e., their interest, curiosity and agency. Observe what, when, where, why, and how they immerse themselves. Encourage and compliment their interest and the things that you want to encourage. Their interest/love will often show up as curiosity, focus, attention and time spent. This will clue you in their passion. Once you have an idea, you can further develop this passion by asking them questions. Questions and statements like, “wow that is really cool, or I didn’t know that…” or I wonder why, how, when; ask them about it. Have them be creative and make up an imaginative story. You’re showing interest but staying mysterious to keep them curious and wondering. Do things such as an adventure to a museum, soccer game or library so that they can find out more. Let them to be curious and investigate further on their own. In short, acknowledge and reward the things you want them to do.
The things they do you that you don’t want them to do, downplay it, divert their focus or view it as a learning opportunity for them. We do this by asking them questions. Ultimately, this will help them develop the capacity for self-discipline and self-determination. There are very few times when it’s the end of the world. There is always tomorrow. And tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity. Take a deep breath, do what you can do today. Tomorrow will be different.
Pattern Recognition
Underlying the big concepts of love, change, and growth is pattern recognition. Pattern recognition is learning to see repeated patterns by being curious and investigating. The foundation is “what is it, how does it work and why?” These three questions are the basis of pattern recognition. And the “what, how and why” enables us to do analysis, synthesis, integration, innovation and execution. Education, from kindergarten to a Ph.D., builds knowledge and skills in analysis, synthesis, and innovation. These are the foundational skills of a reasonable education. If a person learns these skills, they can do anything. The toddlers already do this but at an elementary level. Watch them try tasting things, imitate and by playing, learn what works or not. Their puzzle may be to put blocks in holes, playing with their stuffed animals, etc. Later in elementary school they are refining their understanding and skills with their peers in playing, with games and “show and tell.’
Agency
Agency, responsibility and ownership encourage their being (sovereignty). As toddlers they state, “I do.” In elementary school, it will be “show and tell.” Middle school is all about improving skills and gaining fluency in many areas, including academic, sports, social, etc. Their execution shows knowledge and skills. This is another step in their journey. A well-traveled journey is a well-lived life. The stumbles and falls are not fails but essential opportunities that lead to sweet accomplishments.
Agency is execution, the how and why in action. Is your child doing or carrying out a plan or a course of action? Your mindful guidance will expose them to opportunities to strengthen their skills of execution, i.e., agency. Building self-confidence and taking ownership of their work are key. They will learn that mistakes, challenges and deficits are opportunities to furthering their learning.
Three Skills to Focus Upon and Why
The following three core skills or qualities are lifelong. A child, youth and adult that have these qualities will live life. And as a result, have a better life. The simple reason is because they will be and are actively engaging in life.
Reading
As a kid I was and still am a poor reader. Only in graduate school did I learn to read efficiently. And had to figure something out. Becoming a father, I did not want my kids to struggle like I had.
The first thing is to read to them. Do this as much as possible. Kids that can read are going to be more successful. Kids that love or have a passion for reading literally have the world’s knowledge at their fingertips. If they are curious about something, they will have the skills to discover something new for themselves. A kid that can read can get into college. But if a kid has a passion for reading, will be more likely to graduate from college. Reading allows self-education, leading to independence and freedom.
Start reading to your kids as soon as you can. It is not too early nor too late to read to them. Preferably when they are infants; certainly, by age one. Reading to them creates an intimate space for connection. The warmth of sitting in your lap or next to you in a big comfy chair is what they experience. They will hear and copy your linguistic sounds, which form a foundation for learning the alphabet. They connect the alphabet to sounds and then to letters and words. Toddlers can learn the alphabet and attach sounds to the letters. And by age 3-4 they will be reading. When and how to do this? For example, when pushing them around in the grocery cart, e.g., “hey can you find the letter C for cookies; me love cookies… let’s go find some COOKIES (cookie monster voice).” Or while driving around, “what sound does cows make… MOO… M for moo… lets sing a moo song for the cows.” Toddlers are sponges, their brain/neuro development connections are soaking up information and context. Make it fun/playful to help input the information via several neuro pathways at the same time (e.g., seeing, hearing, singing and moving/kinetically). You are helping to create a better, more connected and contextualized brain in your kid. So, try to incorporate visual, sound, context and motivation. Be creative, have fun and make a game of reading signs, etc. By the time they are in kindergarten, they will know their alphabet, be able to read and have a reasonable handle on writing.
I was a poor reader and disliked sitting around reading. But this motivated me to ensure that my kids did not have this challenge of being a poor reader. I started reading to them as toddlers. When my son was in second grade, he was all about dinosaurs and wanted to see the movie Jurassic Park. We made the deal, read the novel (the actual novel not the kids’ short version) and then we will go see the movie. Boom done in 4 weeks. I felt dumbfounded, thrilled, and proud. Did he understand all the words and concepts? No. But he could read and understand enough to fire up his imagination and seek more knowledge. In high school, he worked in the local public library and would bring home whatever books he found interesting. And would easily read 1-2+ thousand pages a night. Frequently, my kids would unplug from their electronic devices, TV, video games, etc. and spend hours reading. Often, noting the book was much better than the movie. Imagination is creative engagement versus watching a movie is more of a passive consumption. While gaming is more about memory, strategy, execution and reaction within the context of the game.
Tip: After your toddlers brush their teeth, in pajamas and in bed; spend 20-30 minutes reading to them. Make this a daily evening routine until at least 4-5+ years old and where they routinely want to read on their own. Also, regularly go to the library to check out books. Let them choose books they find interesting. It doesn’t matter as much what your children read. It matters that they read! And if they are reading something they are curious about; that is inspired execution.
Curiosity
The second skill is curiosity. You want to encourage them to be curious. Most infant, toddlers and kids are naturally very curious. They are sponges for information, i.e., what, how, and why of things. Their wonder and imagination fire up. They ask “what” and point. At age 2, they want to do it themselves. Support their curiosity, channeling it towards learning and creativity. By asking your children questions about, “what, when, where, why and how” primes their critical thinking skills they will use the rest of the life.
For example, at 9-12+ months, a toddler will point to a small animal and say “cat” and your response would be “yes, cat… meow.” They will do this many times to learn and become confident in identifying the world. You identified it as a cat based on its meows, soft fur, claws, etc. The next day they see a small dog; point and say “cat” and you note “dog… woof.” You get the idea. Basically, they are doing pattern recognition and identification; 4 legs, 2 ears and a tail… animal, meow is a cat, woof is a dog. Trees verses flower and car verses trucks, etc. It is all natural observation, identification and classification of the “what.”
At around 2-year-old, they have a handle on identification of things, and they have discovered their agency to do things. In fact, they want to do things. Popularly known as the terrible 2’s. They often say “no” and “I do.” This is about them wanting to figure out how it works. They need the experience to work the puzzle. It’s learning how things operate or work. Your toddler wants and needs to figure it out for themselves. Thus, the “no and I do” statements are their agency. Parents, this is the opportunity or experience for them to figure out the puzzle. Guide, show, and be supportive of their discovery of how to do it. Let them discover it and own it; but encourage, support and acknowledge their discovery. You can’t ride the bike for them, but you help them learn to ride a bike.
But you are not done. Your 3-year-old child will ask “why.” The challenge of why. The why is really about an emerging conceptual capacity of wondering (curiosity revisited) not only how things work but why things work or not? This is about figuring out basic rules or principles. The why is about them wanting to discover how they can interact, influence and work with things in their environment. The “why” is about how things work. It is basically a re-working of pattern recognition, but with the addition of rules and principles of function. They want to know the patterns of how things work and why it works. This is so that they have greater agency in their environment. Besides it is fun to learn new things, like poop. “The Poop Book!” or “Everyone Poops” are children’s books that are really speaking to the child’s level of wondering about basic rules, principles and function.
As a parent, you will want to be aware of their developing passions. Your child will gain opportunities to pursue their passions and build self-reliance. Your job is to recognize these are opportunities. Learning and confidence grow from exploring their curiosity and interests. In the next few stages of development, you will leverage these passions. They are the “inspiration” for them to learn how to make things happen for themselves. They’re learning to take responsibility for changing (transforming) their lives.
The first 7 years of a child’s life are about learning. They learn everything. It is not a consciousness type of academic learning. But is sponge-like and using hands-on experience. They are soaking it in and learning about things via imagination and play. You will see them role play their favorite characters, animals and even you. This first 7 years they are laying down the software. The rules of operations of how they will process and experience their life. This is where they get the core sense of themselves (the self), the world and the future. This foundational experience shapes their self-perception and future. So be mindful!
Agency: The Why, How and What For
At 2 years old, the “terrible twos” you hear “No… I do.” They can be scary smart. It is the beginning of “agency,” i.e., they want to do things for themselves. Recognize agency is normal. The job is to see and provide opportunities for them to safely discovery of how to accomplish and do things for themselves.
A couple of examples of my youngest. At 18 months, she climbed onto the counter to reach the cookies on the refrigerator. The motivation who doesn’t LOVE a cookie. The goal of the cookie and with self-determined agency, “I will get the cookie. I can do it myself.” And then executes complex problem-solving. She climbed on to the kitchen counter to reach the refrigerator and eat a cookie. However, they lack the capacity to know and expect the potential risks of falling and breaking themselves and/or the kitchen drawer. Of course, you are standing there in awe and dumbfounded by their accomplishment. You are also terrified of what if they fell, catch their finger in the drawer, etc.? The initial instinct is to yell “no.” But a better response is, “wow great job, how did you get that cookie?” And they will tell or show you how it’s done… lol. By them telling and showing you how they did it, is helping them to understand (cement) the process and their confidence. It’s also a chance to teach them about other things, like falls and pinched fingers. Is it time to get busy child proofing the entire house?
This was the tale of my 18-month-old daughter, the youngest. When at graduate school, living in family housing; she was the climber. I ran out and bought a dozen drawers and cabinet door locks for the kitchen and bathroom. Spent a couple of hours installing these locks. All the while with my little supervisor helping me. Job finished, success! So, then she shows me how to open all the drawers and doors that I had just put these “child proof locks” on … ugh. Later, I put on double locks on a few select doors and drawers, which she could not manage unlatching 2 locks at the same time.
So, having a climber, I would take her to the playground to climb on the equipment. She would get uncomfortably up high and become afraid and scream to lift her down; only to do it again. Back climbing up. Great, she was practicing becoming more competent and gaining confidence. Yet again, yell “help get me down.” This is an opportunity. You can let them climb and again you lift them back down; what is this teaching them? That mom or dad will rescue them. So, the next time, I said before lifting them down. “I will lift you down, but if you climb up again, you need to learn how to get yourself back down.” In a few minutes, she is climbing back up. In their mind, you have rescued them before and thus again the demand, “help, lift me back down” (they are afraid of falling). And you are concerned about their safety. But note, “remember I said you have to get yourself back down.” To which their response was, “I can’t… I don’t know how.” Now, you can leverage their fear and uncomfortableness as a motivator. Recognizing this presents a learning opportunity for them.
You have them take a couple of breaths. Then to look at the situation they have gotten themselves in. I would be close by but instead of lifting her down, I would instruct her how and where to place her hands and feet so she could get herself down. Basically, “show and tell” them where to place their body, feet and hands guiding each step on the path down to get back on the ground safely. She quickly figured out how high she wanted to climb. And developed the skills, competence, and confidence of getting back down. Of course, guidance and coaching will happen many times for many things, e.g., swimming, riding a bicycle, etc. If my response was fear and anxiety about her falling and as a result grab her and safely put her on the ground; what would she learn?
You’re already teaching your child valuable life skills, even at a young age. This seeming elementary example is their development of agency. Agency will blossom into competence, confidence, self-respect for the rest of their life. Yes, accidents happen, and these accidents will also be opportunities to learn. By the grace of God, most of all of us survive into adulthood… Whew!
Discipline revisited as a Part of Agency:
Discipline is about limits, expectations and agency. There are two spheres of discipline, external and internal. External discipline means hitting a limit, wall or boundary. Internal discipline is self-control. We learn discipline, both inner and outer, first through experience, then by applying rules and principles. Essentially, it’s a feedback loop. To what extent can we test the limits? Learning about consequences, expectations, and limits. Become rules of operation and become perceived reality.
Agency is essentially, what are they going to do about it? If your child has learned the limits. They can expect the consequences of bumping up against or crossing those limits. Thus, they then can exercise their agency, i.e., understanding the rules of the game. Basically, they have taken in experience. They understand their boundaries and can choose to learn and regulate themselves. This learning is via the opportunities that parents provide. Kids learn to make choices and understand how those choices shape their lives.
Parenting is about providing appropriate and positive learning opportunities. That challenges kids to figure out the puzzle or work around. How they might apply a principle or rule which leads to experience and wisdom. If the results/consequences are consistent, then there is a clear boundary of the limits. Or they realize there is a rule or casual/predictive relationship. Or they figure out the puzzle and discover there is a work-around solution.
A chaotic environment with unpredictable consequences means unclear rules, making it feel like a gamble. Parents, you need to decide on limits for your children and be consistent. You want to be mindful of presenting, allowing or recognizing opportunities for your child to expand their agency. They will learn that with more agency (self-determined freedom) there is also more responsibility in their claiming of their reality. This is simply growing or expanding their capacity.
Focus is on framing setbacks as opportunities for growth, not on strict parenting. Thus, this is the reason to ask them the question; “well what did you learn?” By asking this question, you are helping them to recognize, articulate and cement/anchor/learn the lesson. The process is about the gradual exposure to appropriate and challenging learning opportunities. In return, they will gain more competence, confidence; and sense of responsibility and ownership of getting things done for themselves.
Discipline is about learning, not punishment. Though it can be painful and stressful. Discipline is learning to learn. And therefore, ultimately to self-regulate. Can pain and stress can be indicators and motivators. First, “pain” is ideally a signal to get a person’s attention. The attention to ask the questions of “what, where, when, why and how.” And from this questioning is the secondary underlying motivator, which is the experience of learning (so that it doesn’t happen again). If the child sees a path towards a remedy or avoiding the problem/painful experience in the future; this is learning.
Parents, be mindful of the learning opportunities and intended lessons for everyone involved. Thus, the point is to provide opportunities for experiences of success and a sense of learning that they have survived. Learning to live another day is resilience and re-enforces and sets the precedence for hope. The specific technique is to ask your child, “what did you learn and what might you do differently next time?”
Failure can be a learning opportunity. Failure is an opportunity for analysis, synthesis, integration and innovation. Resilience and hope grow from asking, “what can be salvaged and what can be learned?”
Pro Tip: Practice and have ready the following statements. “Yes, you did it! I knew you could. You’re a smart kid. I’m sure you will figure it out. “And if they need or request feedback, do the “sandwich” technique. Start and end with praise. But put the constructive criticism and questioning in the middle. When tough stuff is in the middle of the sandwich, it tastes better. Or you could do it burrito style … lol.
Learning Style and Capacity (revisit of Part 1)
Be mindful of their capacity and their style of learning. Potential is what a child might do. But without capacity it remains untapped. Exposure, repetition build and expand capacity and challenge. It is like building up muscles. Once a child has the muscles, they have the ability. Meanwhile, they also develop their learning style. Basically, there are Doers, Observers and Rule Followers. But these learning styles are also based on capacity. For instance, a toddler is more about direct experiences (doers), and they do a lot. We often observe that children model or copy what they see. Observers tend to be reserved and mildly anxious. They will be on the edge watching and seeing if they can do it. And if all seems good, then they will jump in. And as they do more, they will progress in their ability. Rule-followers need consistency and predictability to understand how things work. Initially, they will be hesitant, seeking approval and reference to the rules. Once they understand the rules, will expect themselves and others to know and abide by the rules because that is how they make sense of their world. All of this is simply the progression of “see one, do one, teach one, and be one.” Of course, we all have some of each. As your child grows, note your child’s predominate mode of operation… and encourage development of their under used operations. Remember, parents, you are their first and primary role model.
The Goal of the First 7 Years:
The first 7 years is where the lion’s share of your efforts and effect will be. And if you are attentive, it will be more efficient and instructional for their lives. In part, it is because if you recognize and are mindful of the “first experiences.” You can use these first experiences to “imprint” or encode their “operation system” of their developing reality. In psychology, a newly hatched duckling will “imprint” their mother. The first thing they see is their mother and the duckling will follow the mother around. However, if the duckling first sees the farmer, the duckling will think the farmer is their mother and will follow the farmer around the farm. First experience or imprinting is something to be aware of in child rearing.
This is the basic process. Remember, young toddlers and kids don’t know any better and thus learn their responses from you. For example, we can see pain as a learned response. Your child falls and skins their knee. What is your reaction? If you run over, full of anxiety and fondle and fuss over their skinned knee; “it must hurt,” kiss their knee and make a big deal over cleaning it up and bandaging it… while saying “that is a big ouch;” what are they learning? Versus another response. Calmly walk over, look at the knee and tell them to “just lie there and take a few deep breaths (to get their breathing to calm and lessen the pain). It looks like you need a band-aid… just lie there and take a few more deep breaths. When you’re ready, we’ll get you up and walk into the house and find a band-aid.” This shows that accidents happen, and we can learn from them. And we can easily take care of this. One of my dear-old-dad’s infamous sayings to my kids. “Eh, it’s far from your heart ya ain’t going to die today.”
Brain Waves
There is some recent research noting the correlation of brain waves of infants, toddlers and small children. Basically, these wee ones spend more time in the slower brain waves states of “theta waves.” Theta is associated with imaginal processing. It’s like building brain pathways through imagination, playing, and storytelling. Be mindful of the stories and play these young ones are enacting.
Summary
In chapter 1, we covered a lot of ground. We explored love, change, and growth, discussing your role and spotting hidden chances. This includes learning about learning styles, using gardening as a metaphor, and a quick look at child development theory.
Chapter 2 is a brief introduction of what to be aware of and what to focus on during the first 7 years of your child’s life. A supportive family setting helps kids learn, read, and solve problems. The first 7 years of a child’s life are when they develop a basic orientation to life. Discovering who they are, about the world and what the future can be. Arron T Beck’s work who notes this as the basic view of the “self, world, and the future.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aaron_Beck
Children cost time and money. And you are going to pay. The questions are for what, when, and how much time, effort, and money? Like many things in life, it’s easier and less expensive to start early. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Setting-up things right when they show up. If ignored, things can end up having expensive interventions such as therapy, drug abuse, and criminal issues. The best is to have a recipe and strategy to guide you and support them. And they will grow into competent, confident youth and subsequently young adults.
Love
Last, “love” underpins the motivation for a child’s growth. What do they love, want, and do? What is their “acorn?” Recognizing this and the little cues of their curiosity provide you leverage for their growth. Being mindful of the environment you provide creates opportunities for growth. The first 7 or 10 years is THE opportunity for the parents to set up and help their child for the rest of their life. And they will teach you more than you can imagine.
Part 3 Kids 7 to 14 Years: The Peer Group and Establishing Fluency
Kids develop by interacting more with friends and their community. It is just another expanded level of environment beyond the family.
Children aged 7-14 develop their social skills and understanding of social expectations. This is where they learn how to interact and socialize with their peers and the world. The important reference is their peers. Specifically, the group of kids that they interact with. Kids at this age will live up or down to the expectations and norms of their peer group. Parents, be attentive to and guide your child regarding their peers and activities. It is the parent’s decision of what environment and activities they are involved in and with whom.
Parents, this is the stage of paying and playing! The questions are for what, how, when are you going to pay (now or later) and what are the cost? What will life be: academic, sports, music, or something else? Are you going to let them run the streets and later in between the sheets? In chapter 1, mentioned were the secret opportunities because kids won’t know any better. Thus, it’s your opportunity to expose them to the things you feel are worthwhile. It is a journey for both you and your child. A combination of your joys and them discovering their joy. Hopefully, you discover an activity that you can share. Because if you both love the same thing, it’s an opportunity to leverage time and adventure together. An opportunity to share tips, tricks and valuable insights into life’s lessons.
If you let your kid run the streets and hang out in the alleys, your child will learn the way of the streets; “thug life.” The child will want to fit in with the ruffians. Perhaps required to perform some unethical, immoral or illegal act to fit in or to be accepted into the group. This can become part of the child’s sense of self, their world and future. Future costs may include therapy, juvenile court, and substance abuse treatment. Guide your kid towards activities and companions that you feel are appropriate. Expect your kid to take part in meaningful and challenging activities. Again, your kid will want to fit in and will live up (or down) to the expectations of their peer group.
You will need to make the upfront sacrifice and investment in terms of your participation, time, energy, and money. The expectation is you will need to be present and take part in these activities. The trick is to find something that your child enjoys and then both you and your child will have to make the commitment. You will need to be attentive to opportunities of how your kid can also invest in their passion. And then encourage them to figure out how to make it happen for themselves.
Personal Examples
Examples from raising three kids: I expected they were to be involved in some respectable activities. The two boys started out in Cub Scouts and my daughter the youngest, started out as a Brownie Scout. It was the weekly routine schedule (structure). I expected each of them to take part and contribute, e.g., to summer camps. At one point, each kid wanted to quit scouting, which was fine. However, the question to them was “what other activity are you going to commit to?” They all ended up choosing to remain in scouting. The eldest attained his Eagle Scout, the middle son could not care less about badges and ranks but loved camping, hiking and outdoor activities. The youngest liked the camp stuff of crafts, hiking, sailing and kayaking. Eventually she co-led a troop even into her 20s and volunteered for activities with young girls. We also expected that all three of them take part in some kind of physical activity. The eldest was into soccer. The middle guy was about strength conditioning and later mixed martial arts. And the youngest loved to snowboard, then ski and eventually got into DH biking and dirt bikes.
Truth be told, I had a much better understanding and handle on working with the youngest. For example, when she was in 4th grade, from the first day in the snow, she loved the snowy life. Beginning in fourth and fifth grade, we sacrificed to ensure that she could snowboard at least 1 day every weekend. Then, during fifth grade, we clarified she understood she would need to help invest in her snowboard activities. The agreement was that starting in sixth grade she would buy her own season pass. She earned enough money by pet sitting, doing yard work and doing household chores for neighbors, friends and family. My commitment was to match each dollar she earned so that she could buy new/used snowboard gear. But she was the one to manage that money, i.e., she did the research of the gear, decided on what gear she wanted and made the purchase. The result was I could sidestep arguments about money and gear. And she would learn about the responsibilities, logistics and ownership of her passion for snowboarding. I would continue to ensure that she and a carload of her friends got to the mountain most every weekend during the ski season.
Socialization and Emotional Intelligence
Kids learn social skills and build relationships with peers and adults. Whether it’s rivalries, social order or developing crushes. So how does a parent help his or her child during this phase? Especially, when their major focus is on their friends.
You are encouraging them to be in an activity they like (love), and they need your help. Remember, you need to be attentive to their peer group. To do this, you must make the self-sacrifice to be involved. This might entail being an assistant coach, carpooling, and helping with coordinating their activities. By being actively involved, you get to know the other kids and you will gain some insight into their social environment. Your kid’s peers will get used to you being around and thus you will have some influence over this peer group.
Two ways are through activities and food. Kids at this age love to do things and eat voraciously. Make your home the place to do these things. Invite their friends to hang out, to stay for dinner and sleepovers. This way your kid’s peers will get to know you and your expectations. And you will get to know them (this will come in handy in the next developmental phase). Another opportunity is that kids need rides. The opportunity of driving the peer group their activities. After a few moments in the car, the kids forget you’re there. And you get to hear all kinds of social drama. Earplugs are useful at times of loud singing.
Now that you have access to the peer group, remember that the developmental task is group norming and socialization. When you notice your kid is happy, angry, sad, distraught or there is some social drama; merely ask some questions. Questions such as, “geez you look mad/sad/frustrated/happy… what happened?” The approach is to listen and to ask a few questions. Often at this stage, it’s the result of some social drama. Kids are still willing to talk and share with parents. Merely listen with a nonjudgemental and empathic ear… but do not interrogate, advise, or lecture.
After listening, pose rhetorical questions to provoke thought on their peer’s behavior. And ask them how they might do something different or navigate the social interaction or drama differently.
The standard questions are: Why do you think they (the peer) did that? How did that make you feel? What do you think or feel the other kid was feeling? How would you have handled the situation differently? What might you do differently next time? Teach your child to recognize the social dynamics and motivations of his or her peers. Get them to think about what an appropriate social response to their peer situation might be.
Understand social interactions are usually driven by emotions. And understanding the emotional basis is important in social skills development. The emotions of wanting to belong, fear, frustration, anger of being included or excluded. Thus, as a parent, it is important to listen empathically and encourage your kid to learn about how to manage and navigate their social world. A lot of the peer and social interactions are about inclusion or exclusion amongst peers. Peer relationships include emotions like rivalry, teamwork, and knowing personal boundaries.
The parental task is to help their kids understand the social dynamics. And to learn to navigate the emotional aspects of their peer group. Later, they will have an idea and experience navigating in the larger society and community.
A few things to keep in mind, remember structure. Structure gives them a sense of the rules of the game. Enabling them to predict or learn what is to be expected. Kids like clear expectations, obvious consequences and the bottom line (boundaries). Again, structure gives the kid the parameters or rules (and boundaries) to work with. Sometimes you get a sense that your kid feels pressured to do something that they might not want to do. Such as going to a sleepover, a party or a school dance. Basically, they have not learned how to set the parameters or boundaries to say “no” to their peers. Give them examples and specific phrases to practice and develop the skills to say “no thanks or I have other things to do” to their peers.
By Proxy
By proxy, as their parent, you can say no for them. Thus, they can save face within their peer group. This will give them the time to develop their social identity, skills and strength to do it later. It is an opportunity to help them develop emotional and social skills. By saying “no” for them, you are providing a supportive structure that on their own they have not yet developed. But it is an opportunity for you because they are still willing to share and listen to you. So, listen well and ask questions? And at some point, they will ask you what you think and feel…and that is the opportunity for you to share.
The focus is on your child recognizing his or her emotions and how these impact his or her relationships with their peers. You are helping them with the social and emotional IQ aspects of themselves and of their peers. Thus, an awareness, skills and ability to navigate their social environment. This is the beginning of social responsibility and activity.
Discipline
Discipline isn’t punishment; it’s about paying attention, earning and responsibly enjoying privileges. It’s about understanding choices, deciding, owning them, and expecting and then knowing the effects. You are setting the stage for them to learn to navigate their social environment. Sometimes, you might use grounding tactics or try to embarrass them to get their attention.
But the focus is guiding them to learn about your expectations for them and their responsibility to attain their goals. For example, often a younger kid wants to be told what to do. This is because they don’t know what to do. You are providing opportunities for them to learn, to become competent and confident in making their own decisions. You are helping them to figure out the logistics and to become responsible for themselves.
When kids are 12-14 years old, they may want to go to a movie with their friends; “great idea!” The question are chores and homework done? With whom, what, when, where and how are they going to make it happen? Presuming they are to spending their own money or maybe figuring out an alternative? Here’s the rub. This might frustrate your kid. Or they might jump at the task, only to find out there is more to the logistics that they thought. The trick is to be patient and let them discover they might need some of your guidance. Which is often just helping them to break down the steps into smaller bits and to re-arrange the order of the steps. Side note: This helps to set up their frontal lobe executive functioning, which will become important during their teenage years.
Parents, it’s not about doing it for them; it’s about helping them to figure out how to do it themselves. Let them explore their interests to discover how things work and develop ownership (agency). And thus, the valuable parental statement to have ready in your back pocket. “You’re a smart kid and I know you will figure it out.” And later, “great job! I knew you could do it!”
Your home can be the welcoming (and structured) kid hangout. And you can be the cool mom/dad who is attentive at a distance (not the helicopter parent). Help kids learn to fix bikes, wax snowboards, and make cookies/brownies/pizza. Or being the parent helping with boating, camping, biking and endless other opportunities. The secret to these activities; you only need to do this a few times; remember “see one and do one school of learning.” Kids will learn the structure of your household. In short, it is “structuring” behavior that you deem appropriate and normal behavior. They will learn that making a mess is acceptable, but cleaning up their mess is also expected. Tip: Want to herd cats? … Have tasty treats and make it an interesting puzzle for them to figure out!
In this stage of socialization, the self, world and future are in a relationship and reference to their peers. Their group is their world. Time and the future are related to the group’s activity. Which changes from moment to moment. The trick is not to react to all the changing activities. The strategy is encouraging their commitment (investment), taking ownership of their passion. Your support is indirect, letting them learn, experience and execute what they want to do. Not by doing it for them. But by allowing them the opportunity to discover, experience and execute, i.e., own it. It is like helping them learn how to climb up and down the jungle gym, ride a bicycle and swim when they were younger.
Intelligence and Fluency
Howard Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences notes that there is no one type of intelligence. This challenges the traditional concept of a single general intelligence. Which is measured as “IQ” yet is basically only a measurement of verbal and mathematical reasoning. Gardner’s theory notes eight intelligences: linguistic, logical, spatial, kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and naturalistic. He questions standard views of intelligence and how we learn.
However, for parents, who arguably are their kid’s major influence is to be aware of a kid’s type of intelligence(s). And how they can support their kids as part of the sprouting and growing of their acorn. This includes both their strengths and weakness (deficits) while also being mindful of threats and opportunities (SWOT analysis). The goal and developmental opportunity are about “fluency.”
Fluency
The ages between 7-14 is an opportunity to establish “fluency.” It could be academic, artistic, performance, athletic, language and many other endeavors. It might encourage a kid that has or shows some strong interest in something with opportunities to take part in their area of interest or passion. A tutor, coach, mentor or a camp can help establish a level of fluency in short order.
The development of fluency at this age is in part because of physical and neurological development. Kids are growing and continuing to set neurological pathways. It is easier for kids to develop these pathways during this phase of growth and development. Establishing fluency after puberty becomes more difficult. Why puberty? The thought is that the hemispheres of the brain lateralize (one side becomes dominate). And hormones (puberty) influence and “cement” the brain, body, and emotional development of both girls and boys. This developmental process of differentiation creates the physical and neurological pathways for natural fluency. It is a level of just doing and knowing; or a being that requires very little conscious cognitive processing. The point is to expose them mindfully to opportunities. Parents, you are establishing the environment or soil that provides these opportunities.
For example, a college friend spoke, read, and wrote fluently in 6 different languages and could manage another 3-4 languages. One day asking him, how in hell did this happen? He said, “I just grew up around where many languages were spoken.” His dad managed small hotels in Switzerland. And as a kid just growing up and running around and helping international guests, he just picked it up. Consider a kid’s environment and what their parents expose them to… “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree”… lol.
Ages of 7-14 is the opportunity of fluency. This applies to all kinds of skills and intelligence. Regardless of subject. Help your children explore their potential by giving them opportunities (environment), encouragement, and time.
During this stage, the peers, specifically the environment of the peers with whom they spend time, is a significant influence. Pay close attention to what influences your kids in their environment. People often look back and see that this period defined their social circles, routines, and interests. “Social and emotional IQ” is another way to describe less clearly defined social concepts. Such as the characteristics of empathy, generosity, altruism or compassion (or the negative aspects).
Referring again to James Hillman’s “Acorn Theory.” If a child has a talent or liking for something; it is important to pay attention to this potential. If possible, support, encourage and expose them to opportunities to discover and grow their passion. You have a unique kid. Given a supportive environment, a child will grow and learn what it takes to produce abundant harvests.
Kids aged 7-14 focus on friendships, social skills and fluency. Parents, you get to choose their environment. It is your job to find opportunities to explore and discover their talents and passions. It is also an opportunity to connect and pass along your values to them. If you miss this developmental opportunity, achieving fluency later, after puberty, becomes more challenging.
Another example of a colleague’s son. The youngest of several siblings. One of the kids’ favorite activities was jumping on a trampoline. As a child, and then a kid, he was always flying around. Later, as a teen he discovered he was a natural gymnast, loved aerial skiing, and eventually settled on diving off diving boards. Junior Olympic programs heavily recruited him. He had naturally developed kinesthetic intelligence, i.e., the awareness of just knowing where his body was in space.
The developmental task of this age (7-14). And the parental opportunity revolves around exposure to an environment that supports the following. Socialization and group norming. And opportunities to explore, discover and develop their intelligences. The skills and characteristics developed during this growth stage frequently remain throughout life. This progression is often clear only in hindsight. Thus, this is just a heads-up. However, being aware of this developmental opportunity is priceless and well worth the investment of your attention.
Part 4 Teens 14 to 21 Years: It’s All About Me and Getting Ready to Fly the Nest
What is this Hot Mess?
The overall task is emancipation. That is to learn to make it on their own. To learn how to fly out of the nest. The challenge is several folds. First, they won’t listen to parents. Second, they want to do it themselves. Third, they think they know what to do. And thus, knowing is the same thing as it’s already done; it just magically happens.
The teenager’s task is to find and develop a sense of themselves, who they are and what they like. This is a stage of exploration, trying on unique personalities, trying different activities to find out who they are. It is an adventure to discover who they are. They are having the capacity for self-reflection, to ponder about who they are and their situation. The search for who they are occurs externally and internally. Most people are familiar with external change, like trying new things and adopting different personas.
The internal exploration takes the form of questions. The questions of why am I here, why do I care, who am I, how do I feel, how does this make sense, what is this mean and so on? Notice that all these questions are around the “I or Me”. Self-centered and self-involved are the characteristics of this stage. It’s all about me, what I want and what I do. And teenage angst is why me and what is the meaning of all this? “It is senseless. I don’t care, and what does this mean?”
Often, this is the first adventure into existential questions. But they have difficulty in formulating the question(s) because they have not done this before. What is happening is their dawning capacity for introspection, i.e., self-reflection. Basically, the formal ability to question their budding self-awareness. For some this terrifying, others it is what the heck is going on, and for some it is exciting.
In the metaphor of gardening, introspection occurs during the winter. It is the process of evaluation, renewal, and discovery. This is their first experience of winter. It is a rite of passage. Leaving childhood and moving toward becoming an adult. Formally is the first time of internally searching and discovering who they are; their meaning and purpose (Acorn Theory).
Another characteristic is their sense of time, is only “NOW”. They often forget about the past and yet can readily envision the future. Though the issue is, they can imagine the future but make the mistake of, just because they feel it and can imagine it; it is real. Adults see this as “magical thinking”. Teens may get frustrated since they haven’t learned how to bring their ideas to life yet. It is where imagination meets reality as they are learning the strategy, logistics, and tactics of planning and execution and commitment.
As adults, we view this stage is a bit of a hot mess, an adventure in drama and hang on by the seat of your pants. “By the grace of God” we will all survive. So let us try to tease some of this hot mess apart.
Routines and Wellness
First, from the physiological standpoint, they are going through a dramatic physical change that involves hormones. Hormones wax and wane, ebb and flow; they are gaining a new body. They are no longer a child, but yet not an adult. Perhaps one of the best ways to deal with these physical changes is to ensure that they have physical exercise, eat well and sleep. This helps to develop and modulate this hot mess. The first thing to focus on is physical exercise. Exercise does several things. First, is to help burn off some of that energy. Exercise helps balance hormones, lending to better emotional control. This also helps to deal with eating, energy, and sleeping.
Next eating well, since they are going through dramatic physical changes and hopefully keeping busy. They need excellent fuel for building blocks. Nutrition is going to help them with the experience of physical health. If they experience physical health. They are also learning to recognize when they are not feeling well, not eating well, not getting enough exercise. This helps the motivation to establish a healthy routine of exercise, eating, and sleeping.
The experience of pain, poor energy, and frustration are signals of awareness to do something different; they are great motivators. But there is a parental secret, or trick (noted a bit later).
Tip: It is well known and researched that families that eat together stay together. In the previous 7 years, you have had a routine of eating together and made your home a welcoming place for kids to hang out. However, during the teen years, this becomes more challenging with all their activities of coming and going. Continue to try to at least have 1-2 meals a week together. These meals provide a chance to check in on how things are going. What the next week looks like and most importantly to laugh, support and enjoy each other and your teen’s friends they drag along home.
My teen kids often brought friends home for dinner. And their friends would comment; “what, wow, I never eat with my parents except for my birthday or a holiday. It’s so cool that your family sits down, shares a meal and laughs and talks.” Second is that this extends further. All three kids had times of both living with other families and having their friends live with us. It’s the notion that “it takes a village to raise a kid.” It’s a great opportunity for your teen to experience or can see how other families live. Last, it’s a way to monitor your kid’s peer group. But now getting a glimpse of their activities and relationships, etc. My daughter, after a day of skiing, brings home her crew of 5 or 6 ravished teens to gorge on spaghetti. Well, there was a former boyfriend, a current one and a future one all sitting around the table with us laughing and sharing the adventures of the day… lol!
Last, is sleep. Frequently teens have a shift in their sleeping patterns called the circadian rhythm. It is where their energy level and sleep cycle shift to a later time during the day. Teens that are active in keeping busy and getting excellent exercise will want to sleep a lot… until late in the morning. Sleep is important during this growth spurt. The problem is that the circadian rhythm being shifted later in the day often is not in-sync with the rest of the world. Teens often like to sleep until noon, have their peak energy flow during late afternoon-evening and they are not ready to sleep before 2-4 am, early morning. So, in the evening, as the rest of the world is winding down, they are just beginning to hit their peak energy. It’s party time. If there are no decent activities, it’s time to wander the streets and get into some mischief.
During teenage development, there are vast changes. Thus, physical exercise, nutrition, sleep, and maintaining a connection with your teen is foundational.
Executive Functioning
A significant factor in play is the lack of executive functioning that is commonly associated with the frontal lobe (pre-frontal cortex) of the brain. Frontal lobe development is executive functioning. It is the ability to understand the processes and logistics and planning of how to get something done. As adults, we often forget that this is a whole new experience. For them, it is the power of being logical. Our teen suddenly becomes frustratingly logical and is more than willing to argue some minutia while failing to see the larger picture.
There is also the development for the capacity to self-reflect. This is the stage where teens can introspect. To think about themselves, their life, why they exist and their meaning and purpose, i.e., teenage angst. Perhaps teenage angst is the search for their acorn. Relative to James Hillman’s “Acorn Theory,” your teen is trying to discover their acorn buried deep inside themselves. They wonder about why they are here, what their passion is and what do they want to do. This process is an introspective endeavor of self-discovery. Your teen needs the space, some guidance about finding their acorn, the opportunity and permission to find their acorn. Parents can guide their children through this developmental stage, allowing them space to explore and grow. Culturally, it’s noted in various forms of “rites of passage,” the stage between childhood and adulthood. Rite of passage involves an adventure into the unknown, a challenge and a discovery. It’s the first occurrence of the death and rebirth process of the wintertime. Parents, encourage them to find reasonable opportunities for this self-adventure. Maybe a road trip, backpacking, or a group tour of a foreign country? However, this can also take the form of writing, some artistic or music endeavor. This adventure might also happen while wandering the streets late at night. The point is, they need space and the opportunity for finding their acorn; the discovery of their self.
Parents
How can a parent help a self-centered, uncooperative teen undergoing enormous physical, emotional and mental changes? Parents often feel that they have lost any influence or control. Their teen is seemingly out of control, that they will not listen nor do anything. However, there is still hope. But it involves a change of strategy.
Despite popular belief, parents have a fair amount of influence in this hot mess. The approach continues to be the same, but the tactics are distinctly different. Obviously, your teen is beyond listening to any reasonable advice or direction. So don’t even try. Save yourself the argument… you will lose the battle and the war.
The Secret Trick (as mentioned above is…)
What can a parent do? It is about leveraging their drive for emancipation, their passions and their lack of knowledge. Leverage what? The basic strategy is to “yield and play dumb.” Tell them you don’t know. That they are smart and will figure out what is best for themselves. Tell them you believe in them. Tell them they are choosing the lessons that are valuable for their path in life. Let them know you love them. Beyond that, you merely ask them questions. Have an empathetic ear and reassure them they will do fine… nothing more and nothing less. Doing more and you will do it for them, robbing them of the opportunity to learn of and for themselves. The experience of walking and claiming their own path. Doing less, they will not recognize the opportunities and lessons.
Boundaries and Expectations
First, you need to determine what your expectations and bottom line are. Clearly and succinctly communicate these expectations and the bottom line. Remember, kids… well everybody likes structure and predictability. But your teen is trying to figure out which ballpark they are playing in… is it soccer, baseball, tennis, basketball or water polo? Your parental expectations, bottom line are the rules of the game. Be mindful; choose your battles wisely… what hill do you want to die on? Be clear about your expectations, the consequences and be consistent… nobody likes the rules of the game to change. Consistency helps the teen learn that there are rules and boundaries. Thus, they can predict or expect results… thus learn to navigate. For example, my dad told me this, and I told my middle son (in a very calm and matter-of-fact manner). “If you are smart enough to get into jail, you are smart enough to get out. If you need to call someone, call your friends who helped to you get in the jail.”
It’s about the Questions
Second, the tactic is to ask good questions. If you want excellent answers, you must ask great questions. Don’t expect or demand reasonable, well thought out answers. It will not happen, and it is not the purpose. The purpose of asking good questions is several-fold.
Great questions imply you believe they are capable. That they have permission to seek opportunities to learn and to find the answers for themselves. The underlying message to them is that you believe in them, that you trust them to find their own path. Questions also help them develop their frontal lobe executive functioning. A parent is the child’s frontal lobe by proxy. However, now asking your teen questions, you are training and imparting the skill of asking themselves questions. You are helping them to develop their own executive functioning. At one level, a teen doesn’t know what or how of quality questioning. Questioning is investigation, exploration and discovery. Remember that good questions lead to excellent answers… so question wisely and don’t waste the opportunity with insignificant questions. Hopefully, in the earlier stage you started some of this by asking them questions about their peers’ interactions. Why they thought their peer behaved in a certain manner or made a certain decision, the logistics of going to the movies, etc.
In this developmental stage, you are helping them to learn to think for themselves. They are revisiting and applying the skills of observation, analysis, synthesis, strategy, implementation and execution. It is not of the world of a kid wanting to go to the movies with their friends, but of themselves. Their passion or goal might be I want to go to the movies, drive, buy a car, new bike, go to a sports camp, learn how to fly, etc.
For example, some useful responses/questions:
That sound’s great! What do you need to do?
Do you have money? Where are you going, with whom and when will you be back?
Honey, geez I don’t know. What do you think?
Humm, that is interesting, what do you think and feel you want to do?
What are your feelings about _____?
How are you going to make that work?
What do you expect will happen?
What did you learn from this experience?
I’m not saying yes and I’m not saying no. I’m asking you, what is your plan?
What are you willing to do to make it happen?
What is your work around, Plan B and contingency plan?
You are a smart kid. I believe you will figure it out.
I’m always here to listen.
Calm Empathy Matters
The delivery of asking questions and dealing with the drama episodes needs to be done in a calm non-reactive but empathetic manner. Remember that for the past 14 years, you have provided or guided them along to find the answers. Their frustration stems from your questioning instead of providing answers. For them, it’s like, “what the hell… I need you; and all you are doing is playing dumb.”
They might feel anxious, fearful, perhaps overwhelmed and need reassurance. And your reassurance is “hey you’re a smart kid. What do you think/feel you need…you will figure it out?” Or maybe they are testing your limits but are really wanting to know that you are steadfast and stubbornly consistent. Despite feelings of frustration; they will eventually find your response reassuring.
Your teen knows your hot buttons; they will be oppositional and want to argue for argument’s sake. As in the past, realize that you are the constant in their rapidly changing world. That you are their emotional and psychological refuge during this time of big changes in their life. Yet, it feels like you are treading a razor’s edge. Just remember you were there as a teen. This is a rite of passage. And most everyone makes it through… for better or worse. But you are challenging them to do it themselves, to be responsible, learn and own the results.
There will be times of near disaster or even tragedy. For example, all three of my kids wanted to drive and at some point, they were involved in accidents that resulted in totaled cars. For all of them, driving was about learning opportunities. Learning about how to drive, the expenses of a car, and how to do maintenance. And what happens in an accident, during the insurance process or when they get a speeding ticket and how to deal with these events.
Another time my son’s close friend died in a drug overdose. And as a result, he gained a deeper understanding of the tragedy of drug abuse and the impact on friends and family. As a parent, it is important to recognize that you are merely coaching. And these are opportunities for lessons and a practice session for them. In tackling the smaller opportunities, they are preparing for the later and bigger opportunities. They are gaining confidence, learning what it takes (commitment, persistence and responsibility).
Initially, teenagers are self-absorbed. They only see themselves, their needs and their wants… the world is them. Eventually, they can recognize that they are not the center of the universe. Learning that there is a big, wonderful world in which to navigate and follow their passions and subsequent path. For teens, the world is to explore but primarily to find out who they think and feel they are. Or at least who they might want to become.
The future is initially the magical “now.” But they need to learn it takes making plans, taking responsibility for and commitment to executing their plan. Their efficacy is initially magical because they can imagine. However, this imagination is mistaken for reality. It is moving from the immediate “right-in-front-of-their-nose” magical thinking to activating their executive functioning. It is about dedication and commitment. Practicing skills helps teens pursue their passions and achieve their goals. Remember that you gave them the gardening metaphor of preparation and planning of spring. The doing and execution of summer. The harvesting of the fruits of their effort in the fall. And now they are discovering the winter introspective task of discovering who they are, what their passions are and what they will do.
During the teen years, there is a lot that goes on. They get a sense of themselves (their acorn). Of their existential existence, meaning and purpose. Discovering their passion. Developing executive thinking or functioning skills. And establishing their wellness routine. Your teenager also deals with peer pressure and distractions of contemporary culture. This includes the media, dating, intimate relationships and the allure of excitement and maybe drugs and alcohol. This is no minor challenge. It is quite a task. It is the beginning of the emancipation of your child and learning to fly out of the nest.
Responsibility and Discipline:
Over the 7 years, it is a progression of earning their independence by becoming progressively more responsible. It’s a matter of measured opportunities for them to show their responsibility. Demonstrating a host of critical thinking skills, of logistics and execution. Make sure that you acknowledge their accomplishments…frequently!
Discipline at this stage takes the form of self-discipline. The ability to commit to oneself and their goals. It involves planning, impulse control, delayed gratification and higher ordered thinking. It is about getting the frontal lobe; the executive functioning operational.
Remember my daughter, the ski bum? Two stories: When she was 15, she had not saved enough money to buy her season’s ski pass and asked for a loan. I reminded her of the agreement that she was responsible for buying her own pass. And noted that I would not loan her the money. She stomped off mad as a hornet and did not talk to me for a week. A week later, she proudly stated that she got her season’s pass. Wow, how did you do that? “I got a job as a ski and snowboard instructor.” Congratulations, that’s great, I knew you’re a smart kid. You figured it out!
Second, at age 17, during her senior year of high school, she skied over 100 days, was a ski instructor, and worked part time at a yogurt shop. She also did her senior project training with the ski patrol. At 17, she was skiing big mountain backcountry that most folks only dream of. As a parent, it was not something I would have chosen for her and there were times of being concerned for her well-being. However, it was her passion, her responsibility and her accomplishment.
At age 20, she became an operations manager of a small custom manufacturing, retail storefront and with on-line business of over 1 million in sales per year. Often handling daily tasks, managing staff, orders, inventory, shipping, payroll, and customer service. And she was the boss while the owner was overseas traveling. At 21 years, she continued at the shop, while working on a nursing degree. She continued to volunteer for ski events, afforded her own apartment, car, recreation and traveling. I was a proud and in awe of her determination, responsibility and accomplishments.
The goal of this stage is to have a young person who has self-respect, self-worth, competent and confident. Learning and knowing what it takes to do their passions and accomplish their goals. The teen phase of development is about finding themselves, their passions. And not only working hard but also learning to work smart, taking responsibility for making their opportunities and learning from them.
In the garden metaphor, this is the fruition or the fall harvest of your parenting efforts from birth to 21 years of age. From ages 21-28, your young adult will claim their independence and self-sufficiency.
The Opportunity of Car Rides
Remember the car ride time? But now they are driving you around on some errands or perhaps going to a baseball game. It is the perfect time to have one of “those parental discussions” of sex, drugs and rock and roll.
A couple of examples of car conversations. First with my daughter and then son.
You know, I don’t think you are sexually active.
Dad!
I know but I’m just being your dad… just hear me out. Yea, I don’t think you are having sex yet, but soon you will have plenty of opportunities, if you want… and that is for you to decide. However, it is a matter of respecting yourself, the other person and being safe. And being safe is a health issue. I don’t want to see you get yourself in a tough situation and have to make REALLY hard decisions.
Dad… I will not get pregnant.
I know but things happen. You know you can go see the doctor anytime.
Dad!
Ok, I’m done… just know I love ya!
…Or
Son, you know that young women often have a different view of sex?
“What?”
For them, it’s not about getting your yaya’s like for guys. It’s about the relationship, emotions, feelings and can be a social status thing with their friends. And about her family; mom, dad and siblings. The tradition is that a guy needs to introduce themselves to the parents before taking their daughter on a date. It’s a social contract thing. They want to know who is dating their daughter, that she will be safe and that you are honorable. If you are dating, just know, for her it is potentially much more about relationship with her parents, family/siblings; and socially with her friends.
And by-the-way, if it is a serious thing. It is important to spend some time with the parents. This allows you to see how you might be treated in the relationship. Just understand a young person’s environment deeply affects them. And the parents are their role models for relationships.
Remember back to the prior 7-year stage and making your home a kid hang out and them learning about social and emotional intelligence. Your emerging young adult will already know some of the social expectations. For example, my daughter upfront told her potential boyfriends that they would have to first come over for dinner before they could go on a date. And my son just knew to step up and introduce himself to the parents. Knowing that it would reduce anxiety for both the date, her parents and he would get a glimpse of their relationship.
Remember, you are giving your teens tips, skills and are giving them permission and inviting them to step-up to be responsible. Put the issue right out there. Clearly note your concern and cue them to take responsibility for themselves. The underlying message is that you trust them, believe in them and you are there for them.
These parental discussions are never comfortable… and even more uncomfortable for your teenager. The trick is to BE CALM, just lay the issue out there but do not be accusatory. You are their parent who is merely concerned for their health and well-being. You don’t want to see them to struggle in a potentially difficult situation. It might be a good time to share similar challenges and struggles that have occurred in your life.
Again, be calm. Do not get baited into an argument and know when to stop. Which is to stop on a high point of that you are just being a parent that is concerned. And doesn’t want to see them get in a tough situation and have to make really hard decisions. Then move on to a more comfortable subject. Your teenager heard the message; you don’t need to preach or hammer on it. It might surprise you how quickly your teenager will step up and be responsible.
Know that some of this stuff your teen has just not experienced, just doesn’t know and is perhaps too afraid to bring up the subject. Thus, it is better to “inoculate” or educate them before, to help them know how to cope with the situation before it occurs. They just need a little nudge and if they need more than that, then it’s the school of natural consequences that they will take lessons from. And your supportive response is… “I am sure that you will figure it out. This must be something that you need to learn. I’m always here for you.”
The teen development can be a hot mess, with a lot of things going on. However, understanding the situation of what is happening. The dynamics and why with a strategy and a few tips can make this adventure fun and awe-inspiring. It is like a wild carnival ride.
Part 5 Young Adults 21 to 28 Years: Got Grit? It’s Down to You!
The grit stage is about BEING emancipated. During the previous teenage stage, the task was learning to become emancipated. However, this is the stage where the young adult handles their actions, making and grabbing a hold of opportunities. It is the stage where a person is required to COMMIT to themselves, their passion and their path. Children, kids and teens who have done well in the previous three developmental stages are eager to get on with their life. Of course, there are some anxieties and apprehensions. But your young adult is well-prepared and ready to go… ADVENTURING!
A Brief Example
Quite a few years ago, a young man, 21 years old whom I had known since he was in grade school, contacted me requesting a list of recommended counselors. He was taking time-off from his university studies because things were just not working out. A few days later, when he stopped by, I invited him to sit with me for a few moments in the backyard. I noted ethical boundaries in which I could not be his counselor but gave him a list of local folks that were well regarded. Over the course of about 15 minutes, I presented the love, change, and grow metaphor. And the basic developmental tasks of the 21-28 grit time. Finished with a brief introduction of essential life skills of breathing, mindfulness, and decision making. He never shared the specific issues he was having. Nor did I want to hear about them because of ethical issues.
Six months later, I ran into his mother, who said, “I don’t know what you said to him, but whatever it was, he came home a completely different person.” She told me he immediately found a great summer internship position in a far-off city with a prestigious agency. He had made his own travel and housing arrangements. And now returning to the university as a senior to finish his degree. In retrospect, all I did was to note normal developmental tasks and told him to go for it.
Many years later, I re-connected and asked him if he remembered our brief chat and what, if anything, had happened? He gladly shared specifics, which are not important. But the situation overwhelmed him. He felt things were spinning out of control and were beyond his ability to manage it all. And felt the situation would soon crash down. Well, he had the sense to realize his situation and could step away from his university studies for a semester. He noted the gardening metaphor was helpful. It gave him a perspective, a framework and a process of how to fit the pieces together to make things work. He realized that there were some distractions that he needed to weed out. Which he immediately attended to. Basically, he cleared out the weeds and made space for himself (the tomato plant) to have a better garden space in which to grow his dreams and life. He had finished his university studies, a budding designer, doing well, recently married and was excited about new career projects.
The Grit, Adventure and Grind
There are a few unfinished items to complete during the grit stage of development. An influential item is the completion of the frontal lobe and executive functioning. Young women come into full executive capacity around age 25 or 26. For young men, the full capacity of their executive functioning is a bit later; around 27 or 28 years old. So how might this affect their life?
Many young adults are finishing school and starting their careers. This is where they are required to take responsibility. Handling work and daily life responsibilities (chores, bills, etc.). Juggling work, household tasks, relationships, and leisure can be a full plate. There is the excitement of career, learning and doing well at work. Yet there is also playing hard, being adventurous, going out and staying up late at night.
This is a relatively new experience of being responsible for household, job, playtime, and relationships. For some, this can be an overwhelming and a rather anxious endeavor. Others embrace independent responsibility but might underestimate the commitment involved. There is a lot on the plate. The general recommendation is to take some time and grow into and find a balanced routine for these responsibilities and activities. Eventually you become established a new job or on your career path, enjoy playing hard and continue to learn about yourself and meet new people.
It is the stage of continuing to discover and get comfortable with yourself. Who you are? Your passions and commitment to your path. It is finishing up both who you are and how you aspire to be in the world. The underlying challenge (the grit) is to establish your structure and routine (discipline) that works for you. And now establishing a routine (grind) that works for you, the internal motivation and discipline. It’s about finding a balance between work, play, relationships and time for yourself. Achieving your goals requires self-discipline and a well-structured routine.
It takes some time to come to know yourself, become comfortable and get established in the world. Wait until then to consider adding the responsibilities of a relationship and/or children. You will need your full capacity for executive functioning. Have gotten some of your youthful shenanigans and adventures out of the way? Before committing to a significant relationship or starting a family.
To Young Women
Go on adventures, establish your career, live on your own, develop supportive friendships, travel the world and nurture your interests. This is your time! It is your time between leaving the family of your childhood and before starting your own family. Or getting deep into your career. It is significant to find and become yourself. However, it is also important to understand the following advice given to young men. Keep reading ladies!
To Young Men
Give yourself a chance to adventure, get established in a career, to live on your own, to hang out with your buds. Develop your passions, interest and get your wild oats dealt with. Guys are a little delayed in the “executive functioning brain development area.” In relationships, avoid the following.
Guys have a tendency toward testosterone driven adventures. Underdeveloped executive function increases the risk of reckless and dangerous activities. Most young men are just not ready to be responsible mates/husbands/dads before the age of 27-28 at the earliest. More realistically in their 30s. Give yourself a chance and be adventurous and somewhat reckless. Get your Ya Ya’s out before you choose to settle down with the responsibilities of being a mate and having a family. It is also important to understand the above advice for young women. Men, go back and re-read the above several times! Young women need the space to grow into themselves.
To Young Couples… Mate Selection and Timing
Both of you need each other to be fully functioning. And know who you are. In establishing a complementary partnership, each person must first fully develop themselves. Let me repeat; having a solid foundation (or at least an idea) of who you are, what are your values, meaning, purpose, skills, and dreams are critically important. If you don’t know you, how will you know if a potential mate is going to be a good fit?
Both will have much to teach the other, support to give each other. And will need the ability to forgive, tolerate, and accept of each other. Relationships are not a zero-sum game. Both of you will always invest more than your fair share. You will learn about being humble, grateful and gracious for the love and joy that you receive.
During this time, there are many opportunities for exploring relationships with a potential mate. However, it is important to figure out a partner in which you share interests, have similar values and life goals. Know that you will need to learn to work together, trust, complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. While being able to provide space for the other grow and mature. The requirement to figure out the relationship or partnership is you must understand who you are! This grit stage is for you to become you; for you to do you. To intimately understand your wants, needs, passions, and dreams. Knowing yourself, committing to be yourself, is the foundation of sharing life with each other.
Frequently, during emergency department crisis consultations, I would meet with a young woman or a young man or even a couple in their 20s. Things were just not working out how they imagined. Many times, this was because the timing was off. One or both partners lacked full development. This stage is for a young adult to come into their own being. To be adventurous and establish themselves as a person within their community and culture. Very few individuals are truly ready to be responsible mates or partners. Let alone become parents before their late 20s. It is better to wait for until you are in your 30s before making the commitment to being a lifelong mate or parent. I often recommended that each person (in the couple) make some time for themselves. Established couples needed to allow and/or create space for each other to develop individually so that they can be a couple.
Frequently, parents who were around during these consultations nodded their heads in agreement. And had personal stories of how their life might have been different if they had waited until their 30s before being married and/or having babies.
Mate Selection: Tip
Besides the above information about having similar values, goals and dreams. In the 14-21 year chapter, there was the tip about spending with the parents of your potential mate. It is a simple concept that we base our treatment of our significant other based on what we saw of how our parents treated each other. By spending time with your potential mate’s parents and family, you can see how you might be treated. Yes, there are movies made about this; comedies and tragedies. Do the movie… spend more time than just a holiday weekend. Is this a tribe that you wish to join? Or will they even let you in? How do your mate’s parents handle stress and challenges? How does your mate act in the family concerning the sibling/pecking order and such? It is an opportunity to foretell your potential future.
To The Parents:
Your young adult still needs their parents. It’s still lending an empathetic ear. And they might ask you for some advice. “What! My kid is asking for a bit of help or advice.” It often involves specific issues of how to handle a situation at work or a relationship issue. Still, there are many other aspects of life they may not know of. Such as how to fix a leaky faucet, prepare a tax return, lease, various insurances, buying a car or house, etc. Perhaps note from your experience but as in the earlier stages, in a calm and measured manner. Maybe to give additional financial information about debt, investments, mortgages, etc. It’s still a guidance and mentoring; via an empathic ear and asking good questions… but at a distance. While fully recognizing it is their path.
The Basic Sequence
1. Observe and listen. Create space for genuine interaction. But listen without judgement or agenda. Listen for the underlying feelings and dynamics or “why is this happening?”
2. Validate and confirm what they are feeling so that you have a correct understanding of their experience.
3. Perhaps offer a glimpse of your similar experiences. And/or share ideas or thoughts of things for them to consider… but frame it as a question. I.e., What do you think about____ (what, why, how), or have you considered____, or how do you feel about that? AND then listen to their responses (again without judgement).
4. Then ask them, “what do you think/feel you want to do?” Or what are you going to do? What have you learned? What are your thoughts about _____? What is your plan? And again, listen to their response and listen to the dynamics. Are they reacting out of… fear, anxiety; or thoughtful consideration and maturity of emotions? Does their plan make sense or is doable?
5. Depending on what you hear and what they note in #4 above, they may lack in some awareness; we all have blind spots. So, you might ask a follow up question to address the blind spot; of “have you considered_____.”
Reassure and remind them they are smart, that they have done well in the past and they are still learning. Remember, you are their rock; you have more experience and skills. They are asking to tap into some of your experience, skills and knowledge. Parents, you are passing along values, skills, and experience they need… but your young adult still wants and needs to do it themselves.
Parents realize this is the time of and for separation. They are flying from the nest to their big adventure. Your kid may be thousands of miles away or just a few blocks. But they are fully involved with their life. This doesn’t have to mean that there is a loss of connection. However, the connection is now more on their terms, instead of you being their parent.
Your parenting job is largely done. This brings the opportunity to pick up some of your long-forgotten dreams and passions. Now you have the time, space and energy for them. It is a change, but similarly it provides the opportunity for your next adventure. What is it going to be?
Community:
During the 20s, is the time for a young adult to establish themselves. To become adept at navigating their social, vocational and recreational relationships and environment. This is the first time they are on their own as an individual. Learning to interact and integrate into their chosen communities. This is where they become known in their community. What kind of reputation they establish with their employer, friends and potential significant other? When they were a teenager, there were allowances made because of immaturity. However, now that you are an adult, your reputation or image within your community becomes accountable.
This is the stage where your decisions and actions lead in a direction of your 30s and 40s. Therefore, it is important to give yourself the opportunity to find out who you truly are, your passions and what you want your path is to become. Only you can do this; it is your responsibility and sovereignty. Many want to blame others or note it was because of your past or your family environment/experience. But now is your opportunity. The decision and responsibility to change. Go beyond the confines of your experiences, mistakes and your childhood environment. You can do something different. The 7-year developmental spectrum continues into old age. The rest is your adventure. Which is the heaven and hell of it.
A career in crisis MH counseling/consulting. And a father of three kids, who are now adults and doing well. The first 28 years are the critical foundation and window. That, if accomplished well, will weather all kinds of challenges. It is now the young adult’s responsibility to recognize, grab and actualize opportunities to change and enhance their life. A path of resiliency, adventure, and passionate life exceeding all expectations.
Both parents and young adults now have a map, knowledge, skills and strategy for raising and being becoming fully functional. It is up to your intent, intuition, imagination and execution. As a parent or young adult, you get to decide what values, ethics, morals and cultural accouterments to encourage, i.e., what kinds of toppings do you want on your pizza? Or using the metaphor of painting a picture of your life. Now you have the frame, canvas and paint. What are you going to paint on the canvas of your life?
A Big Secret
The big secret is, the past does not matter much, except from the standpoint of learning or gaining the wisdom from an experience. If you have learned what you need. Forget the past, the pain and forgive the rest. Perhaps you had a bumpy childhood. Things could have been better. But know, what matters more is where you are going, not where you’ve been. However, what matters the most, is what can you do today? The secret is to COMMIT and BE. FOCUS on what you can DO today! And this will change each of your tomorrows.
Summary The Big Picture
Teach your children well, to be curious, to learn and read. Not only reading words but also situations. Use your agency and execution to leverage growth. Love inspires, motivates and creates life. Fear can be feedback (corrective) that provides learning opportunities. Fear motivates us to remember and wake-up… has this happened before? Encourage them (and you) to try something different and use a bit of self-discipline. Teach them about allowing and flowing with change. Become courageous and understand the difference between fear and fearlessness. Fearlessness is merely understanding the situation.
Change happens! Change is the space is where opportunities abide. Teach them the gardening metaphor. The framework and the process of strategic change is both intuitive and predictable. Help them find opportunities to become rooted in meaning and purpose of their life.
Part 6 End Notes
Essentially, root them in love. Which inspires life well-lived. Let them experience that “change happens.” And that they can abide audaciously in a whirlwind. Their grounded centeredness allows them to see the storms as opportunities to change. The storms pass. You have given them the ability to navigate cycles of growth. An environment where they can grow their acorn into a wonderful oak tree.
Compass Points:
Parents, a few more thoughts. It is important for both you as parents and for your kids to develop personal compass points. These compass points will provide reference to orient yourself and child when things become confusing or when there is a whirlwind. I encourage you to make the time and space for yourself and for your kids. These compass points help guide the day to day and moment to moment living. Of course, I cannot tell you what your compass points should be; that is for you to decide and your children to discover. However, I will share my four compass points and how they came to be. T
Breathe:
The first compass point is to remember to breathe. Breathing is a basic life affirming skill. Merely take a few deep breaths to create a space to center, ground and do a quick survey or analysis of the situation (situational awareness). A few breaths allow the space to figure out a strategic response for whatever’s going on.
Initially, I discovered this as a rebellious teenager getting into trouble. I quickly discovered that merely reacting rarely works well. Breathing and reflection were vital in figuring out responses as a crisis counselor. Similarly, being a father was like being a crisis mental health consultant trying to figure out what the hell was going on and what to do. When you don’t know what to do, do nothing until you figure out what is the situation and what to do is the best option. So, in the meantime, BREATHE!
Integrity:
The second compass point is integrity. For me, integrity means this is what I’m willing to stand up for, sign my name to and in my professional career to testify in court hearings. At a basic level, it is what I determine myself to be and how I view myself and my actions. And ultimately, it’s what I choose my reality is to be.
Compassion:
The third compass point is compassion. Compassion means if I were in my kids’ shoes, is this how I would want to be treated? Thus, in many situations, I would rather be told the straight-up truth (your parental opinion, expectations and bottom line). But in a respectful and gentle manner. Meaning, it does me no good to be comforted, coddled or sugar-coated. Honest feedback and opinions work better because it is something that can be worked with and learned from.
Gracefulness:
The fourth compass point is gracefulness. In my career as a crisis mental health consultant and likewise as a parent, you have a lot of power and influence. The question is, how are you going to use this power and influence? Are you going to go bareknuckle, a velvet covered hammer, candy and sweets or something else? Gracefulness is having the mindfulness to watch and recognize opportunities to help your child on their chosen path but in a quiet, patient and subtle manner. Gracefulness is the execution of breathing/mindfulness, integrity and compassion.
A mentor, an eminent bodywork teacher, noted that a gentler, subtler touch is more effective. A graceful manner is effective because there is less resistance. However, one needs to have patience, be mindful and recognize the opening. When there is an opening, you can subtly and gently affect change.
Subsequently, with my kids and in my career, I could see the freight train coming full speed and plowing into the train station. One option is to be Superman and go out get in front of the train and try to stop it. After trying this many times and failing on all accounts; I had to figure out something else. Eventually, I re-discovered gracefulness.
Taking a few breaths, becoming mindful of what was going on. Surveying the situation, a person gains patience to wait for openings. A preventive approach is to go way out on the tracks. Before the train crashes into the train station. Going out and meeting the train, making some slight adjustments, there is little resistance. It is the opportunity to note subtle options and make some gentle adjustments. Gracefulness is often so subtle that it is not recognized that anything had happened. But space opened for a subtle change. Resulting in a different direction. This is strategic prevention.
Here comes the freight train, full blast toward the station. Go out ten miles and slow the train down just a tad by taking a few deep breaths together. Then notice a switch to change the tracks and therefore the direction of the freight train. By merely moving a tiny lever, the train goes off in a different direction and we avoided the enormous crash. Gracefulness operates at a level beyond power and ego. Gracefulness is the ability to expand our awareness of the situation, become mindful of options which are available. Then having the patience to wait for an appropriate opening (time) to switch the tracks.
To those who might need or may not have the opportunity and fortune. It is a great realization that even the bad and ugly are masterful and talented teachers; even though they are horrifying and terrifying. They challenge and inspire us to do and be better. No doubt they are challenging taskmasters. Often noted, “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” If a terrifying teacher appears… you are ready! And subsequently, “when the student is really ready, the teacher disappears.” Yet the matter of being a student, teacher or otherwise is determined by you.
This handbook is based on thoughts, feelings and insights from experiences; both personal and professional. Psychology is a huge rabbit hole that I’ve been splashing in for some 50+ years. The concepts of Ken Wilber’s developmental theory. The cognitive approach of Aaron T. Beck. And the insight of the “acorn theory” of James Hillman’s Soul’s Code have been core influences in this work.
Between cosmology and culture are signposts pointing to intuitive knowledge. If one cares to investigate its expanse and depth. Whether it is the scientism of the head, feelings of the heart or the gut instincts of “native” being, they are all valid; and yet limited to their own realm. However, together they become the spirit in which we all exist in our experiences.
Acknowledgements
We all get by, by the kindness, compassion and grace from family, friends and strangers. Of course, acknowledgements are to my adoptive parents who somehow had the fortitude to put up with my shenanigans. My wife who has stood fast regardless of myself, and my kids who have endured my stubborn ways. Uncle Bob, a professor of education who believed I could handle grad school. Dr. Arreed Franz Barabasz, EdD, PhD, ABPP, ATP; my major professor who allowed me the opportunities of higher academia.
Last but by far not the least, are the countless souls that graced me with their challenges, frustrations and suffering. These souls were the masters. Yoda-like beings that were terrifying, challenging, awe-inspiring and humbling. Which I came to love and cherish, for their sacrifice in teaching this wayward snot of an orphan about real life. I’m deeply indebted to them. Only able to pay-it-forward by sharing their blessings. The hope is that you might find a few bits to share with your children, community and future generations.
About Me
It is useful to have some context of any writer, creator, etc. Every one is a reflection of his or her experience. It’s a quick way to discern a person’s creditability, integrity and whether they are worth your attention or not.
Born in South Korea, whereabouts and time are unknown. Orphaned twice before being adopted by a rural Midwest pastor and his wife. Growing up in small villages, I created my own entertainment… i.e., shenanigans. My mother, a homemaker became my kindergarten teacher… yikes. While dad was a local pastor of small parishes. Adolescence was during the dazed and confused 70s, working on farms and partying on Saturday nights.
Being an orphan influenced my being a self-contained and independent wild child. Basically, emotionally detached, hyperactive and not listening well. Thus, with issues of trust, I favored learning from direct experience. Despite loving parents, they found me to be prickly, stubborn and too busy to be cuddled.
What to do? Dad was “well I guess you are going to learn. The question is, what and how are you going to learn?” And mom having grown up on a small family farm, had a straightforward pragmatic sensibility. “First feed the animals, do your chores and you made the mess; clean it up.” Perhaps this was the best parental approach for an unruly child. Learn I did, and being left to my own devices. I was forced to figure out ways to navigate life… the good, the bad and the ugly.
Being a hellion from a young age and a high school dropout. I wandered through college and stumbled into being at a state psychiatric hospital (working … lol). Because of being unruly, I never thought of myself as parent material. Becoming an expectant father was absolutely terrifying! And subsequently ending up with a career in crisis mental health… crazy. Crazy what life throws at you. The trick is to lean into learning how to turn lemons into lemonade.
Now retired, treasuring family life (who’d have guessed), being outdoors in the PNW, music, and writing.
What’s Next?
At some point, the plan is a compilation of posts about education. A brief companion to this handbook for parents. Learning about learning, the nuts and bolts of education. Both handbooks are intended to empower parents with the competence and confidence to enjoy the journey with their child/children. Now, being a grandparent, this journey happens so fast… in an instant!
I continue to write weekly blog posts. Elementary teachers often noted during parent conferences, “Timmy is not living up to his potential.” Admittedly, inherently lazy; is what I call “the economy of diminishing returns.” Which includes the realization that I have no control or influence over another person. Nor can I determine the value of my thoughts for another person. Thus, posting what I’ve find interesting and valuable in my adventures. There is no subscription or paywall. I have no desire to intrude into your life, or track analytics for influence, nor do I want to hire a CPA. If you want to follow my weekly ramblings, just bookmark www.LoveChangeGrow.com in your browser.
Thank you for your interest. And share if you see fit.
Blessings,
Tim
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