A follower reached out and inquired about my thoughts concerning the suicide epidemic of younger folks.
“… Back to mental illness and we are the ‘Wide World of Sports’ here. You name it, we have it and some of the high school/1st year college BB players are ‘taking a break’. Too much pressure. Want to just play the game and not be judged, etc. This is happening in the upper levels of sports too, and women. It’s not unusual for parents to have kids on hockey skates by three years old, which has taken me a long time to ‘wonder why’? Anyway, do some deep diving into this issue and bring it up in your blog. Kids now days carry very heavy weight, and our suicides are going up.” Minneapolis, MN
Disclaimer: This is for general information and education. It is not advice, consultation, or recommendations. Please contact your local community professionals, crisis services or law enforcement if you need help, consultation, or services.
In my experience
In my experience, most people, especially youth (7-28 years of age) do not want to commit suicide. But they don’t know what else to do. Frequently, these younger folks have little understanding of suicide or self-harm. They just want the pain and suffering to stop. The pain and suffering is an “existential crisis.” Which are feelings and questions about a person’s the meaning and purpose in our life. It is an inner conflict in which life lacks meaning and is often referenced with negative experiences, e.g., stress, anxiety, despair, and depression. They become tunnel-focused on how to escape this suffering. Mistakenly, they concluded they are trapped, and that suicide is the solution. They fail to consider other more reasonable and solutions or perspectives of their situation. Once they realize there are other frameworks, processes, and options to deal with their existential crisis, A mere change in perspective, redirection, or frame of reference is all that is needed. They are off to the races, chasing their joys, dreams, and passions.
My work as a MH crisis evaluator/consultant was to determine the intention, motivation, goals, and risks of an individual’s thinking, feeling, and behaving in a suicidal manner. The key is to understand why a person is considering suicide. Determining the underlying dynamics or cause. Is it rage or revenge, wanting surviving family to feel bad, wanting out of the situation, a biochemical depression, self-loathing, a situational depression, a lack of control, tired, burden, anger, a lack of skills and perspectives, disappointment, loss, etc.? Understanding the motivation, intention, goals and dynamics of a person’s suicidal thoughts and feelings leads to the clinical formulation (why is this happening). And thus, “the why” becomes a guide to match an intervention that may resolve or lessen the suicidal dynamic. The following comes from my experience and are my opinions. Use you God given sovereignty, discernment, and judgement.
Side Notes: The first caveat is when a person utters any notion of “suicide and/or self-harm.” The reaction by the hearer, whether a family member, first responder, social services, therapists and even psychiatrists is to panic. And the panic response is to call the police, medics or get them to the ER for an evaluation. Granted, this seems reasonable. However, from the suicidal person’s perspective, it is one of two things. First, they are sharing their feelings and thoughts, that they have come to you asking for help, asking you to listen because at some level they trust you. Second, if your response is panic and calling in the professionals. They feel invalidated, unheard and … “oh shit, here we go again, hauled in for a MH evaluation.” They learn not to trust you, not to come to you because you don’t listen nor attempt to understand. And your help is “eh gads” I’d rather …? You, as a family member, first responder, social services professional miss the opportunity to understand, gather information and help them determine what they might find useful. But most importantly the missed opportunity to establish a genuine connection of support. In part, I mention this because there are countless times of being called in for an involuntary MH evaluation and commitment. The suicidal person notes “you are the first person that has listened and tries to understand what I’m going through…” Which shows they were reaching out for help and trusting you, but instead you panicked… which risk further trauma being handcuffed, tazed, restrained, and medicated. The point is to be mindful, compassionate, and graceful with folks who are in an existential crisis. Last, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to share that you are feeling suicidal… RESPECT their courage! You can do a lot for these souls.
The Box
Kids become frustrated by having to be in a box. They are told they must be in this box and not allowed out of the box. And they don’t know how to get out of the box. When an animal is trapped, what do they do? They become panicked, scared, anxious, irritable, angry, frustrated, and desperate. (I wonder if animals feel depressed and suicidal?) When a person doesn’t know what to do nor perceives any way to get out. Some folks come to understand they have very little control. The only control that they have left is suicide. What control they do have can also become redirected internally as self-harming behavior, eating disorders, etc. This person becomes rigid and fearful. Struggling to maintain control. But it is not an open, confident, and engaging interaction (control). It is a control over “their” response. And when the person loses control, it is often an over-reaction in some dramatic manner… a shitshow. When kids are defeated, there is very little left to lose, so why not gamble a “hail Mary” shitshow?
When a person has been managed in a box all their life. They become despondent, angry, and lash out at others or themselves (self-harming). In part, this depends where on the spectrum, at the moment, their emotional intensity lies. That is a kid feeling calm, or fearful versus trapped with nothing to lose. By-the-way kids are smart they learn to calculate their emotional state versus consequences. It can become a game of emotional manipulation and dramas. Parents realize that this is part of their job. They are learning behavioral, social, and emotional navigation in life. Parents, your job is to manage your responses that will teach them to become competent and confident in navigating their life with minimal drama and trauma.
On the other hand, some kids find it comforting to be in the box. Perhaps they are anxious, and not wanting to leave the security of the box. Then, a parent has the task to get your child out of the box to explore and expand their horizons. It requires patience, encouragement, and support for venturing outside of the box.
A Lack of Skills
A kid that lives in a box cannot develop skills of being outside of the box except to be outside of the box. It’s important to encourage kids to get out of the box, explore bigger boxes, explore more complicated boxes, and exploring the world. Exploring forces or pushes them to develop skills, understanding and expanding their perspectives. The earlier you make these opportunities available to kids, the sooner and more competence and confidence they will become.
Lack Of Perspective and Understanding
The lack of perspective and understanding is of a higher ordered level. The ability to perceive, think and understand corresponds with a diversity of experiences. And the depth of a more focused experience. It is simply breadth versus depth; of course, having both is preferable.
What Do They Have?
Box raised kids lack skills or have under-developed skills. They don’t know how to believe in themselves, lacking resilience and they don’t have navigational skills. They become trapped mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally in themselves. Again, kids are smart and when they realize they are limited in skills, understanding and navigation there can be a lot of anguish and anxiety. Unfortunately, some often return to what is known. Perhaps to the streets, drugs, and thugs or becomes isolative with limited contact except via the digital world. This lifestyle takes all comers, get your street cred (or not) … yikes!
When they become emancipated, i.e., engaged in life, whether in the streets, job, military, or college. If they have not the opportunities of freedom and developing a sense of responsibility, it’s drinking and doing wild and crazy stuff because the box has been opened. It’s their first taste of freedom and lack of responsibility (the other side of the coin). They do not recognize to control or moderate themselves, because they’ve always had an external locus of control; the box which contains them. They lack the experience and need to develop an internal locus of control of learning to orient to their internal/intrinsic meaning and purpose. When the external locus of control is lifted, they get out of the box. It’s party time until they’ve partied too much. “What the hell do I do now?”
When they don’t know who they are, what to do, they can easily become overwhelmed, desperate (or withdraw into the old box.) Or perhaps they go on hitting the limits. They have not learned discernment and to modulate their responses. They have no calibration until they crash and burn. If they survive, then it is what the hell… what happens now? Do they continue to repeat the crash and burn? Or are they able to learn something different from the crash and burn? The issue is to realize there are always boxes, but aspire to expand to a bigger and better box. Which has more options, freedoms, and responsibilities.
Suicide
Back to the suicide and self-destructive behaviors. In my experience, way back in the day, it was quite rare for kids (7-14) to actually have self-harm, suicidal gestures or a suicide attempt. This is because of the first and second seven-year periods. The idea of the “self” being self-destructive and self-loathing should not really be in a child’s awareness. This is because kids are curious, expanding, and learning new things.
The Evnironment
Kids are products of their environment. Thus, if a kid is suicidal and self-loathing it is often driven by some environmental factor, stressors, or dramatic changes, or trauma in their environment. And the kid may lack positive support in their environment in which to navigate the stress and changes. During the first and second seven-year periods. Their environment consists of their parents, family and the social or peer group. Thus, their environmental experience heavily influences their sense of being. These experiences continue to have a significant effect on how they navigate the third seven-year period and beyond in their life. Especially in the cases of chronic or episodic traumas whether it be a medical/physical condition, trauma of abuse, socialization, i.e., bulling, etc.
The notion of “self” and the capacity to be suicidal does not really form until they are teenagers. This is where a teen begins their emerging executive functioning. The ability for planning, organization, anticipating consequences and contingencies, self-reflection or to “be self-aware.” The introspective or self-reflective capacity is part of the “teenage angst.” The other issue is they do not yet have the full capacity in which to expect consequences of their actions. Especially in relation to their emotional state. The teen years are a hot mess of many changes. https://lovechangegrow.com/parenting-part-4-of-5/
Role Modeling and Emotional Cues
The day kids are born (and even in utero/womb) they are sponges. Kids observe, experience, and learn how to respond to their environments. Kids look at their parent(s) for emotional cues and how to respond. For example: If a parent says we are going to the doctor for an immunization shot. And it is going to be scary and hurt. It will be a big ouch but you will get a band-aid because it hurts to have a hole in your arm. Versus the parent, eh? You got a doctor’s appointment, for a check-up and quick shot, but it’s nothing. Then we will stop and get a donut… how does that sound? When the kid is getting the actual injection, briefly divert their attention and engage them by asking “what kind of donut are you going to get? A pink one with sprinkles sounds yummy.” The child will barely notice if any the slight pinch of the injection. Children learn and reflect the behavioral and emotional cues from the parent.
Kids learn how to interact with their environment, parents, and siblings. Learning what’s safe, what to do and not do. They are sponges, feeling and picking up on your emotions. A parent needs to be mindful. Some kids are quite sensitive, some are empathic, and some barely notice because they are busy exploring their environment. Parental differences influence differently with different children. Just be mindful and observant of how and what you relate and its effects on your child. The parental strategy is to innovate and structure a routine that is appropriate for their age. This is because kids generally don’t know or realize what is outside of their routine experience. So, every Saturday we go fishing, skiing, etc. And every Sunday it’s to church and dinner at the grandparents. Thus, setting up a daily and weekly routine. Kids like structure because it is predictable. They learn from consistency. However, parents also to need to build-in some changes to challenges (adaptability/flexibility). Because this will teach them they can be adaptable and resilient in a new or unfamiliar environment.
Developmental Model
Using the developmental model of seven-year stages. Allows parents to understand, anticipate, and optimize opportunities.
Briefly, the first seven years of a person’s life is where they get a sense of themselves, of the world and of their future. It is extremely rare that a young child can consider suicide. They may feel frustrated, angry, but they cannot intellectually understand what suicide is, even though they may know the word. In fact, if they know the word suicide, would show that some investigation might be warranted.
The second seven years is where they develop a sense of themselves via socialization. And learning from and about group norms of behaviors. What are they learning from their peers? What is their place, role and how to connect and communicate? It’s about relationships and socialization in their family, friends, and community. Things such as different roles with peers, interacting with adults and elders, etc. During this stage, a child may feel bullied, ostracized, and invalidated. But if the child does not want to no longer exist. The idea of “para or pseudo (like)” suicide are generally about difficulty coping, adapting, and navigating. Which is that they want their situation and or feelings to stop and/or they don’t know what to do. However, the child does not want to no longer exist. This is generally not suicide but needing help to learn how to navigate a challenge, usually about some social stress or drama.
The third seven years is where they can introspect. To really ask the existential questions of “who am I, why am I here and what am I to do?” Often, we call this teenage angst, but it is really them figuring out who they are and who they wish to become. This were the teen finds their own acorn. Learning to do it themselves, i.e., have the freedom and responsibility to make what they wish to happen. Their acorn has germinated, taken root, and growing to reach for the light, spreading their canopy (influence). But this is also the stage where a youth can consider suicide. They can envision not existing. But have limited understanding or the ability to consider various consequences. The teen years are challenging because it is a hot mess of things going on. On-the-other-hand, if they learn to navigate through this challenging phase with a bit of parental support and understanding, it can set them up for the rest of their life. Look at the Acorn Theory https://lovechangegrow.com/parenting-part-1-of-5/
The fourth seven years, 21 to 28 years old. Is where a young adult has the capacity and understands suicide. At this stage of life, experience from prior years of childhood can be attributed to their current feelings and thoughts. In my experience, there has likely been some disruption, lack of life skills or trauma in the prior years of that can be closely attributed to their current feelings, thoughts, and suicidal behavior. An investigation of how the child was raised and then subsequently how they feel about themselves in their teens and then into their 20s. A person having intense feelings and thoughts of suicide does warrant evaluation, consultation, and/or therapy.
Rocket Science… Not
This is not rocket science. If a kid is treated poorly, not supported, and told what to do and who they are, has a huge effect. The kid might feel off target relative to their soul and their meaning and purpose for why they came to this planet. Being off their purpose or their target, they are lost. The additional influence is they were never taught how to find nor given the opportunity to find their meaning and purpose. If they were treated like a piece of crap, a piece of property, the pet project of the parents and/or given a difficult/traumatic start to life, it can be quite challenging… but not impossible.
Why wouldn’t a young person who feels self-loathing, not knowing what to do, become self-destructive, drug addicted and wanting out of their shitty situation. Perhaps being in “survival mode” they cannot afford the awareness to even recognize they can find their meaning and purpose. Or have not even been encouraged to seek opportunities. Maybe there have been few opportunities to discover and develop competent skills that lead to them feeling confident. Many reasonable people would say, “hell I’m out of here.” And being out of here in drug addiction, self-destructive behavior, or suicide.
What if a child is taught to be something other than their meaning and purpose? How does this happen? The overall point is that the first 28 years, primarily the first 7-10 years and during their teens is where a kid learns about their environment and as a teen discovers their meaning and purpose. If a kid, teen and young adult has this figured out, they are set for life!
A Reality of Our Cultural Environment
- Trauma and drama of shootings, bombing, species endangerment, climate change, etc.
- An infinite spectrum of distractions are trying to get a kid’s attention.
- Cultural, social-economic-class pressures.
- Challenges of family via divorce rate, single parents, lack of extended family members.
- Lack of personal and in-person role models and mentors.
- Economic and divergent incomes and related financial pressures.
- Etc.
The issue is less about “what is happening.” But how to handle and respond to what is happening? Whatever happens, kids will first look to their parent(s) for guidance. Thus it is important for the parent to be their role model and seek opportunities for them to learn to navigate challenges before some overwhelming thing happens. And if it does, they will have some idea of how to handle it… or know someone that might be able to help them.
To add, many kids are being raised/influenced by the digital world, simulated reality and video games. Their social awareness becomes Tic-Tok, Instagram, phantom friends, etc. Digital avatars become their identity and self-worth. Their likes and their ability to influence an amorphous community filled with trolls and who knows what else, becomes measures of their self-worth. In my opinion many of the “reels” of young folks pandering for “likes” are horrifying. They are being fed a digital diet of pressures and narratives of crisis, doom and whatever. This is overwhelming to the non-suspecting and untrained kids who are not able to sort out the underlying agendas of the story/narrative. Take your pick of climate change, economics, war, etc. It’s a no-brainer kids are feeling overwhelmed, anxious and fearful, unable to respond and become confused and lost.
The Hamster Metaphor
The hamster wheel is like a hamster being in a cage. They know nothing else, but being in the cage. They are fed, watered, and run on the wheel. Ah they exist, but what is the quality of their existence? What could be better in the world? This is fine because the hamster knows little else. So far, time spent on the wheel and in the cage has been OK. But what happens when the hamster becomes self-aware and sees the possibility of being more? I am missing out! What if there’s something larger? I can see beyond the cage. Hey there’s a world out there? Why am I just spinning this wheel going nowhere… only to be in the cage? What is this hell? What the hell… “Who am I?” Why in the hell am I on this wheel? I got to figure a way out! What is my meaning and purpose? OMG I’m out of here! I’ve got to escape from this cage and go on adventures. Or perhaps, I’m doomed. I don’t have any agency and might as well end it now, be done with it get over it.
Breadth and Depth
There is a difference between being competent and confident at one thing in a narrowly focused aspect of life. Verses being competent and confident in a generalized scope of life. Another distinction is being undeveloped verses developed. If one is underdeveloped in life, they lack the skills, competence, and confidence; duh. Versus, if a person excels in a singular aspect, can those skills be transferred or applied to life? The issue is the development of skills versus transferring singular skills to the general aspects of life? There are pros and cons to the conditions of breadth versus depth. There is also the difference between learning the skills versus opportunities to apply the skills.
There is the concept of “pre-morbid functioning.” Meaning if a person become sick before they have a life, then they will have a lot of catching up to do because they had not developed the skills before their illness. Versus a person who becomes ill say in their late 20s will have an easier time because they already had the skills before they became ill. The same concept applies in life or “arrested development” concerning the critical “emancipation” during the teen and young adult ages.
A Change of Heart
A kid that is an accomplished baseball player. The kid already knows about motivation, discipline, practice routine, and the ability to break down steps to focus and accomplish a new skill, etc. But what if this kid no longer has a passion for baseball and now loves to help others who are less fortunate, such as working with a cousin who has down’s syndrome. This former baseball nut already has skills and confidence. It is more a matter of transferring and applying the knowledge and skills to a new passion. (Link to Location)
Undeveloped
An example of being undeveloped. A kid that knows their passion but has never had the opportunity to become acquainted nor develop the skills of their passion. For instance, a child that loves horses but lives in the city. Intrinsically, they have the motivation and maybe discipline, i.e., already have a measure of maturity shown by being highly motivated to learn and do. But they need the opportunity to become disciplined and accomplished. They need the opportunity to learn, i.e., to learn about the discipline which takes time and experience and to learn from the experience. They just need the opportunity and a willing mentor or coach which can speed up their progression and accomplishment in a very short order.
Agency, Skills, and Over-protection
What is missing? First is a sense of agency. The foundation of agency recognizes and knows “if I apply myself, I can do this.” What they need is the opportunity to apply themselves. Second is skills, i.e., the competence and confidence or at the very least an opportunity for “on-the-job experience.” And third is this is a natural drive for emancipation. But if they have not been allowed nor have the experience of independence, agency, responsibility, failure, and the resilience of life… and that life goes on.
By over-protecting kids, teens, and young adults from monsters (fears) of society and life, have we robbed them of opportunities to experience, fail, learn, and thrive, i.e., to discover and develop resilience? Emancipation, independence, and responsibility is a cluster or rite of passage. It is not meant to be easy. It is a challenge. An opportunity to claim themselves for themselves. If a teen or young adult is not prepared, it is confusing, messy, overwhelming and they can become easily misdirected, lost, or escape/wander into drugs and alcohol. Disappoint happens. It’s not a crime nor OSHA violation or a determination that a parent is neglectful. For the kid, it’s a recognition to try, improve and better execute their agency. It’s learning analysis, synthesis, innovation, and improved execution.
Affluence: The Over-indulgence Influence
Perhaps a kid raised by a loving and affluent family. Parents afford every advantage and enrichment for their kid. Perhaps a kid has shown some talent for being athletic, musical, creative, academic, etc. A well-meaning parent wants to support these natural talents. But there is a balance or cost to consider. Is it at the expense of the development of the child owning their sense of agency, freedom, and responsibility? The issue is, if the kid is told and only provided opportunities determined by the parent. They are not allowed to discover their own talents, resources, or passions. Not having the opportunity for self-directed “ownership” and responsibility for themselves. They (the kid) did not have to figure out their balance of work, discipline, challenge, and success. Because they were a “managed” project of the parents.
A toddler discovering and learning to walk. They see, you encourage, they do, you reward with a hug, and they get to practice more. But the intrinsic reward is their self-determination to go where they want. Thus, the tussle of self-determination versus management begins; toddler vs parent. It is exhausting to watch over and chase their toddler around. This pattern repeats in their childhood socialization with peers and with their emancipation during the teen years. It is really a balance between their discovery and your wits to provide measured and reasoned opportunities to learn, to be responsible and be self-determined by and for themselves.
The Star
Your kid is destined to be an Olympic athlete, a leader, a hockey player in the NHL, etc. We know that talent is part natural, part starting them early, and part affording the opportunities to excel. So, beginning at a young age of three they are given opportunities and resources to develop a talent. You got them in hockey skates, dancing class, gymnastics, on skis, etc. Perhaps you come from a family that notes you will learn the ways of wealth and success, military service, etc. Whatever it is you are setting them up in the right pre-school and eventually to your alma mater. They are “on track.” But what if this track is not their passion? Does it become a cage? Even a gilded cage is still a cage. Given every opportunity to become an athlete, stockbroker, doctor, lawyer, military officer. They are expected and told to do this. Kid this is your life. We have sacrificed, groomed, and supported our dream for you… for stardom. There is no other option but to do this, the sports, military, debate camps, etc. It’s the endless parade of coaches, select teams and curated opportunities and very little time to do something else but train on the wheel. Working the wheel. Spinning the wheel. There is not any question about this. We will figure this out. You’re on the path, on target, you’re recieving a college soccer scholarship. We are so proud of you! Ahh, the ugly soccer parent… who is benefiting and what is the benefit?
Conflicted
However, the kid is conflicted. Conflicted about wanting to please their parent(s), appreciating their efforts and generosity. But what if they want or have discovered “their” passion, meaning and purpose? That is the rub (conflict). Which path will they follow? Disappoint the parent(s) or themselves… or both? What will happen if… ?
Is It Rebellion, Emancipation, Exhaustion, Or Passion?
“Mom, dad I’ve been doing this all my fucking life!” Yeah, I’m on the Olympic team. Win, lose or draw, the gold is ok but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that all my life has been soccer since being a toddler and now it’s over… I’m over it, burnt out there is no joy. Now what? Who am I? I have a college degree, a gold medal. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I am, a former a soccer star that becomes a nobody in 3 weeks? I’m 23, working as a barista in a coffee drive through box… fuck, now what?
One issue is that all their eggs are in one basket. But a person can have many baskets. As parents, we come to realize life requires having several baskets. It becomes a matter of juggling while balancing on a tightrope or slack line. It’s doable, but not necessarily easy. The trick is to have a routine that works. A routine that you and they have discovered and developed. A routine that is all going in the same direction, i.e., a wellness routine that moves forward toward their self-determined joy, passion, and dreams. Kids learn from their parents and peers; and then, as a teen they get to try it themselves. They need your encouragement, support and blessing to go after their life. The issue is self-determined versus managed by someone else. See Wellness https://lovechangegrow.com/what-is-mental-health/
Precedence
Parents set by example, a precedence. The issue is of establishing precedence. What precedence are you establishing? The good, bad, and ugly thing is, that it is a precedence. But the revelation is that you can change the precedence. When evaluating a suicidal parent, I always ask them, “what precedent do you want set up for your child?” Is it hat you can check out when things get tough? Or is it that no matter how bad it gets, you are sticking in there? What happens is that you will become their example of resilience. Inspiring them to meet the challenge, rise above and find meaning and purpose out of life’s greatest shit (challenges). What do you want them (your kids) to remember you as? What legacy to you want to leave them with for several generations? https://lovechangegrow.com/suicide-as-violence-toward-oneself/
Who AM I… They Ask
Has there been all kinds of support, except for your parental allowance or blessing for them to discover themselves? Your support, opportunities and teaching them skills are important, but are secondary. Primary is that your kid knows you love and trust them to find their own path of who they are. Discovering their own meaning and purpose. The struggle is real during the teen years. This is when there is the transfer/transition from parental management of them to their self-determination. Much of this struggle can be eased when they are prepared, and you understand this is the natural process of emancipation.
Perhaps they haven’t had the opportunity to discover their soul’s purpose and are lost. Not knowing what to do or even imaging opportunities to discover themselves or search for their meaning and purpose. The modern remedy is the road trip, backpacking, the “gap year,” etc. It is the rite of passage, the journey and opportunity to discover themselves and their passion.
An Acorn to Oak Tree
It’s important to be mindful that we are involved with raising children as a parent, a family member, and community. Children are a soul which comes to an existence of being on this planet. Ideally, we are encouraging them to discover their acorn; their meaning and purpose and to grow into a great oak tree. https://lovechangegrow.com/parenting-part-1-of-5/
Parenting And Otherwise
This blog’s parenting series are my thoughts from a psychology and interactional approach to raising kids; from a degree in counseling psychology, a career in MH, and my experience of being a father. If you are interested as a parent, teen, or thinking of having a family. I hope this might be of use. Also, it might give some direction for social service programs, schools, an adjunct program for DV shelters, pre-release incarcerated, etc. and to other professionals. https://lovechangegrow.com/kids-and-education/
These are just some thoughts from my experiences about why we are having an epidemic of young people being lost, overwhelmed, having self-destructive behaviors and being suicidal. There are many reasons, factors, and considerations about being suicidal. In my experience, most folks are not truly suicidal nor crazy. But they have found themselves in crazy situations; metaphorically trapped in a box and don’t know what to do. Except wanting their existential pain and suffering to stop.
Of course, seemingly these young people are innocent lost souls… but they might be old souls. Old souls that know their meaning and purpose and are already out of the box… lol. The question is why and how they become lost to themselves, to their community or family? The common notion is that they were not shown, taught, and given the opportunity to discover and become their meaning and purpose. It’s no wonder there are suicides, self-loathing, self-harm, drugs, and getting lost.
But it’s never too late… for the child, parent, family, and community.
Now what?
I do not know what else to say or do, except for what I’ve outlined in the parenting series and a few specific posts. In many ways, I was certainly set up and well on my way to being a lost kid. Somehow, I stumbled out of my own way, Lol. I wanted to explore and adventure. I refused to be told what to do. I was a dumb, stubborn kid, playing silly games and winning stupid prizes. Perhaps my only saving grace was being able to recognize the shit was invaluable lessons on my life’s path. Would I do it again, you bet, at least most of them? Would I have liked more help, you bet… a book, aunt/uncle/mentor to help me figure it out (actually, I had aunts/uncles/mentors that offered me invaluable bits,) but at the time I failed to recognize it… better late than never. My life might have been different… maybe if I would have been able to listen. But then again, I was a stubborn, independent child and wanted to do and figure it out on my own. One of the best things my parents told me, “Well I guess you are going to learn (for yourself). The question is, what are you going to learn? … If you are smart enough to get into jail, you are smart enough to get out of jail. And by-the-way if you end up in jail, call your friends that helped you get into jail.” Back in the day this was called the “tough love and the school of natural consequences” and it worked for me.
The first 7-10 years are critical in life. How children are treated, having a simple structure with expectations, and a supportive environment in which they can be part of a family, a team, and can be curious and explore. The matters of money, resources, opportunities are secondary. Primary is love, and the progressive/measured freedom and responsibility that are offered as opportunities to discover and grow their acorn into a healthy oak tree.
The large part of this blog are the things that I wish I would’ve known as a kid, parent, and unseasoned counselor. This blog is a way to pass on a legacy to the future, so that others might gain insight into our young folks struggling to find their soul’s purpose and meaning in their life. These are merely thoughts about being on track with a pragmatic common-sense perspective of developing and establishing connections or relationships that encourages and supports young people to find themselves and discover their meaning and purpose. These young people are our future legacy. They are our opportunity to grow beyond what we could not do.
Blessings
Tim
Some things to consider.
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