This week’s post is “Part 2” just a few more thoughts concerning youth, suicides, and parenting.
Last week’s post was long. A dive into the epidemic of youth suicide. Love and Suicide of the Free-Range https://lovechangegrow.com/love-and-suicide-of-the-free-range/
Dog Gone
This is not to mean people are dogs. My dog Hazel is a 50# doodle mutt with some Swiss Shepard. When we got her when she was 8 months old, had been raised in a 600 square foot apartment by a couple in their early 20s with 2 toddlers. Crate trained, gentle with toddlers but rarely got outside. Being outside, she was terrified, afraid of leaves, her own shadow, anxious, and not socialized to people or dogs. A hot mess of not knowing what to do, anxious, and yet enthusiastic and skittish about checking out things. Four years later, she is more confident has some skills, and wants to do well. She is a sweet dog but likely will have some lifelong deficits such as being afraid but also curious of things she does not know. She will probably always be non-confident. While also being over-reactive, needing lots of reassurance and cues from us of what to do. And difficulty in containing/regulating her enthusiasm. Hazel is an example of a child that did not have of the early developmental opportunities.
A friend 6 weeks ago rescued 5-year-old 80# German Sheppard named Jay. He is now the third owner. The second owners were a young professional couple, that had Jay for 2 years. Apparently, Jay spent most of his days in a crate. Basically, he had become depressed, irritable, not eating, thin, and his fur was poor with bald spots. But in 6 weeks, Jay put on weight, his coat improved, no more bald spots, he became enthused, bright, and engaging. He easily made friends with visitors and other dogs. Jay had a fenced yard, could go in and out of the house and at least twice a day went on a walk/run on the 10 acers of his new home. The quick 6-week recovery provided evidence that Jay’s first 3 years of his life comprised being well-trained, mannered and a loving upbringing. Initially, when meeting him, he was a tad suspicious but within a minute he warmed up, wagging his tail, and later presenting his paw for attention and bringing his stick to play fetch. Jay is an example of normal development, an interruption, and thus recovered quickly, i.e., a dog that was interrupted but resilient.
These two dogs are examples of pre-morbid functioning. Hazel is undeveloped and Jay a dog interrupted. The small apartment and a crate represent the idea of the box being a cage that can be a frustrating trap (Jay) or a comfort safe place (Hazel). It is also an example where these dogs looked to their owners (parents) for cues about their environment. The point is, given appropriate opportunities and support, all creatures and beings can do reasonably well despite unfortunate circumstances.
Side Note
In my experience and opinion. First, most all reasonable and intelligent people in their life contemplate suicide; me included. For example, anecdotally many medical doctors and nurses have a plan and resources to commit suicide. Because they have witnessed the situation, struggle, and horror of life and death prolonged. Second, even in my capacity as an involuntary treatment evaluator I could not prevent a person from committing suicide in their life. All I could do is to offer access to resources and help as an alternative. And in acute (intense) situations I could detain them. Third, there is a two-way suicidal dynamic. “In to out and out to in” which is a person’s internal world being so disrupted, confused, etc. that they have difficulty dealing with the world. Versus the external world is so fearful, oppressive, etc. that a personal is having difficulty understanding, and coping with the situation. Fourth the role of the evaluator is determining the situation at hand, understanding, and offering a sacred and supported space in which the person feels safe to break down, break open, and breakthrough. (Breakdown, Break Open, Breakthrough post is coming.)
Parents, the boxes we create are of our homes and relationship with our children. It is a place where we can teach and help our kids to learn how to create their life. Perhaps parents, we did not have a great childhood. Then, this might be the opportunity to revisit our childhood and become motivated to not repeat the same mistakes of our parents. Dear parents, this is your opportunity to heal multi-generational wounds.
A parent’s role is to help kids understand how to create their own box from which to operate in and how to go outside of the box they have created to adventure and discover. Help them discover their box that they would love to build. Teaching our kids how to build their own box and how to play in the box and go beyond the box.
Refrigerator Box
This is much like bringing home a big refrigerator box. When my kids were toddlers, they loved when I brought home a big box. They would color it. We would cut windows and doors, they would go inside to play, read, and sleep. And they would go outside and run around the box. They would bring in their stuffed animals and the cat into the box. The box is just the box. But they could imagine the box to be anything. A cave, house, spaceship, tunnel, etc. The list is endless. Boxes are not necessarily bad or good. Boxes provide a structure in which to create, frame, support and contain our creations. Whether it is for comfort, protection, and support. Or spacecraft box for protection and support to go beyond. Parents, you are providing a box for children to grow, learn, become, and to explore. Teach them to be self-determined creators of their own boxes. The boxes of their life, love, and joy. Show and teach them how to build their box, remodel, and explore beyond their box.
Explanation, Excuse, or Motivation
A rough start in life can be an explanation, an excuse, or a motivation. Last week’s post focused on understanding suicide via the metaphor of the box or cage. The dynamics of containment versus self-determined freedom. Particularly the development of freedom and the other side of the coin being responsible. Which is to be self-determined instead of being and feeling like a trapped victim.
This post is about helping another to learn opportunities of how to rescue themselves. Those who have had a poor start or an interrupted life. It’s helping a child or yourself to learn despite feeling poorly, poor or lack of skills and a lack of direction. Despite this, all can do well and learn to live a self-determined life.
It may take a little longer. They may need some structure and the opportunity to discover who they are and their passion. The upside of a more difficult path is that the lessons are learned well and a sweeter appreciation. Remember the only failure is not learning. Thus, what goes down must come up. The only issue, is the choice to learn and when one wishes to rise. The secret is finding a mentor… or a sponsor that has been through something similar. They often know where the pitfalls are, have already been to the sideshows and can offer a more direct path… or at least help you understand what you are looking at. The great thing is that they can give you the low down and straight shit… saving you tons of heartache… if you listen. But it is your choice.
Many teenage “coming of age” TV shows or movies are basically a tale of a rite of passage, an opportunity. A teenager who has grown up in New York City with every opportunity. Then something happens and they find themselves in the middle of nowhere on a farm or ranch. It’s the story of how they navigate the challenges of the new environment. A story of rescue me… which is the story of them learning to rescue themselves (with a bit of opportunity and help).
Rescue me is about getting help from parents or mentors. Mainly the help of being loved. And rescue me is also about the responsibility to rescue yourself, i.e., do the work yourself. That is taking responsibility to ask and find help. For finding out who you are, what you love, and what you’re going to do about it. No one else can do this for you. If you allow/want another to do this for you, you are essentially being put in their cage. Which refers to last week’s post about teenage angst (or questioning one’s meaning and purpose regardless of age) asking your teenage self who am I, what are my passions and adventuring into yourself to find your meaning and purpose. Venturing into the world and into bigger boxes to discover who you are, what your passions, what your meaning purpose are (internally) and what are you going to do about it (external). Navigating the world in which you discover, find and become yourself.
This post is for both teenagers and parents… both are a rescue me. When you know or are aware of the task and a strategy. It’s much easier than wandering around. Rescue me from the parent’s side is liberation from your kid. And from the child side is finding and discovering yourself and liberation from the parental nest. Simultaneously both the child and parent discover a new connection or relationship of mutual respect and appreciation for each other’s self-determined journey, it is a newfound freedom.
Autobiography
This blog is like an autobiography of a feral mental health professional. A dog and the questionable misadventures thereof.
MHP (mental health professional) born in the year of the dog. In the study of “personality theory” the thought which rings true is that the theory reflects the theorist. Whether it’s Freud, Jung, Skinner, Rogers, Gestalt, Beck, etc. Their theory often reflects some aspect of the childhood experience, cultural upbringing, or zeitgeist of their time. This past week I realized this also applies to this blog. A writer, being a twice orphaned rescue pup. I was terribly wild in the 1960s, 70s and it was only in the 90s when I became questionably domesticated.
List of Memorable Lessons… Misadventures
Paper clip in an electrical outlet; 3-4 years old.
Jumping off the roof with a parachute made from an umbrella 6 years old.
Testing my repair of bicycle brakes by running into a brick wall; 7 years old.
Almost burning down the garage with a can of gasoline; 8 years old.
Shooting and blowing up things with rifles, shotguns and M80s (fireworks); 9 years old.
Basically, living in very small rural towns and running around with few expectations of a chores, paper route and being home for dinner at 6pm… a dog got ta eat.
Working farms, care of rabbits, chickens, dairy cows, and farm equipment; 12-16 years old.
High-speed police chase with guns drawn; 15 years old… a tale for another time.
And even at 34 years old, impulsively going to grad school with family in tow… insanity!
Animals and farming taught me lessons of responsibility, dependability, and mental toughness… forever indebted to a couple of notable farm families. Also, the structure of routine and expectations for others and then for myself. It taught me that if I wanted to get out of the box and explore; I had to plan, work for it, and then do it. There was the wild adventuring, returning home, regrouping, and resupplying for the next adventure. Basically, learning the responsibility for both doing and the consequences thereof.
Rescue Pups
Rescue pups are either a bit shy or voraciously fearful. I was a very shy person, and because my father was a pastor. I had to experience… learn to interact and talk to people. However, was still shy (non-confident) and recognized the ability to communicate was essential to be successful. So, I majored in speech communications and a minor in psychology to figure this out. For shy folks, much of their issue is actually the experiences of talking with people. Perhaps they’re not confident, reluctant, or whatever. But on the other side of the coin people who are shy are often very observant; perhaps hyper-vigilant, and/or sensitive. Often, we think of shy folks as not confident, which is partially true. But they are not dumb. They are often highly perceptive and quite intelligent in reading people and situations. It is a survival skill. Confidence is gained from experience. Experience breeds competence, which breeds feelings of confidence. In short, action changes your thoughts and feelings faster than your thoughts and feelings will change your action/behaviors. The issue is not a lack of skills of how to engage nor of motivation; it is simply experience. My mental or conceptual breakthrough was to “be more interested in them,” (than how I was feeling) i.e., to ask them questions. Getting strangers to talk about themselves. Despite a person feeling shy, others will experience the self-identified shy person as being engaging and interesting. Who would have thought? Maybe this is the reason I found conducting evaluations, asking questions was challenging, interesting, and fun.
Blessings,
Tim