Love is the Empathic Connection

During this past week, I came across a few comments about empathy. Thus, the inspiration for this week’s post. (Note: The term “client” is used only to make things clearer as to the person seeking change; regardless the actual relationship and of being a friend, family member, student, paying client, etc.)

Transmuting energies instead of absorbing them is a skill to master. The key to transformation is being a neutral observer and remaining detached. 

Don’t identify yourself with other peoples’ emotional baggage.

It is very hard, does anyone have links or a website that can help a course would be handy. 

The issue with empathy is absorbing or melding with the client’s energy and can become over-whelming. And the client’s pain and suffering can get sticky. Following you around, resulting in toxicity of your life and becoming burned-out. One does not survive without clarified perspective of empathy. 

Here is a quick read to get a straightforward handle on the common aspects of empathy from the psychology perspective. 

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-empathy-2795562

Having had a 25 year career being a crisis mental health evaluator/consultant, empathy is an important aspect in helping a person make changes for themselves.

• Sovereignty: Respecting and understanding each person (including you) has their own path. Even though a person is suffering and coming for help. It is their choice AND their responsibility to change. And your work is offering opportunities for a person to change.
  • You cannot change another person. You can lead them to the water, but you can’t drink the water for them. 
  • Becoming frustrated and burned-out? It is important to stop and ask yourself why are you doing this work? What is your purpose, agenda, rewards, and acknowledgements? What are you not paying attention to in yourself or life? What is your empathic mirror telling you?

• Situational Awareness: Understanding what, how and why of their suffering situation. 
  • Why they are coming to you (what happened and what is their motivation)?What is, how, and why are YOU taking on this duty and responsibility?
  • Never work harder than the client. 
    • It is their job. Don’t rob them of their opportunity “to own and do their change and learn from it.”
    • If you are working harder than the client, WHY? What is your motivation, what happened to you, what is your reward or secondary gain?
    • Inspire, celebrate (acknowledge) and be joyful for the client’s accomplishments.   

Situational awareness is like an example of a wild or injured animal that is in pain, suffering, anxious, and fearful. If you are not situationally aware, it is potentially a very dangerous situation. First you must be situationally aware. That is to be safe. Are you competent, able to use what is available, are you willing and capable? 

If so, approach slowly, gain permission and acknowledge that you are here only to help. First is to develop trust via empathic action (creating a sacred space and providing a temporary sanctuary). Without intent to control, capture, or convert. Then work in a mindful, direct pragmatic manner while being compassionate and graceful. 

This also applies to the spectrum of human experience. Especially those who are in pain, suffering, anxious and in fear. Whether they are in a situation of an acute mental crisis, substance abuse/intoxication, PTSD (acute and/or complex), TBI (traumatic brain injury), physical disabled, emotional and/or sexual abuse, or even in an existential or spiritual crisis. It is about respecting the client’s sovereignty and giving them the opportunity and/or the task to discover the capacity of doing it themselves. 

Side Note: Situational Awareness is to be aware, that you cannot approach too quickly nor too aggressive. Develop some trust and approach that you’re there to help them. The other thing is you can’t work harder than your client, we can have empathy and caring, but if the person doesn’t want it, doesn’t have the insight, doesn’t see it. It’s not your job to force them to understand their situation. This is part of respecting sovereignty. Everyone has their own path, you can offer things, but unless the person is motivated to change and is aware, then approaching them offering them empathy will not do much except frustrate you (but then again that frustration is an opportunity to examine yourself). Whether it is a situation of drugs, alcohol, domestic abuse/violence, spiritual torture, or perhaps a Stockholm like syndrome; the client needs to have a modicum of awareness. Eventually the pain and suffering will bring awareness in the client that they want and perhaps ready to change. 

Basically, they cannot see their situation. For example, an eyeball cannot see itself, except via a reflection (mirror metaphor). The experience of pain and suffering is an opportunity to examine oneself. And in the process of examination, the opportunities to change are revealed. If the client is not ready to change, bless and thank them with your heart.

Assignment, go watch some reels/videos of injured wild or domesticated animals. Pay attention to the emotional or affective process of their being rescued.

A Sacred Space

• The Gift of Empathy is to simply hold a sacred space for another being. So that they can.
  • Experience their pain and suffering without judgement. 
  • And in that experience of pain, to choose to learn from it, release it and transform the experience. It’s the notions of “what you resist, persists” and “if you can feel it, you can heal it.” 
  • Changing themselves (their perspective) from being a victim, to being a creator and having a novel experience of themself.
  • They step on to a journey of sovereignty and becoming responsible for their own change.

The Role of an Empath

• To be a witness of their pain and suffering.
• Hold a space of non-judgement and non-attachment, a non-reactive state of equanimity or mindfulness.
• Be compassionate and graceful in the act of acceptance.
• Yet remain unaffected; without attachment (love) or rejection/recoil (fear/horror/terror).
• Provide and be the space of grace and sanctuary.
• And in this sanctuary, the person can change their perspective via having a novel experience of themselves (feeling and knowing) being more than their pain and suffering. 
• Thus gain a new awareness of themselves.
• And notice opportunities where they might change.

The Task and Skill of Empathy

• Is to be fearless and audacious.
• To be open, accepting, detached from the decision and results the client chooses.
• Remain being accepting, yet emotionally detached, and non-judgmental.
• Observe the patterns (what, when, where, why, and how) of another’s pain and suffering.
• Being witness to their pain, suffering, fear, horror, terror…
  • What has happened to them? 
  • What they have done
  • What have they failed to do.

It can be quite difficult, to NOT to react. (Link to Wrathful and Peaceful Deities) and (Mindfulness). The journey to be an empathic witness. One needs to learn to be an empathic witness to their own fear, pain, suffering, terror, and horror. Be able to maintain a posture/position of equanimity. Remain emotionally detached, non-judgmental toward themselves. AND be compassionate, accepting, and graceful towards oneself.

To be and remain steadfast in the purpose and role of being an empath. Being an empathic witness is both for you and the client. At another level, the experience for the empath… is an empathic mirror. An experience of going deeper into your meaning and purpose, and work.

The Wrathful and Peaceful Deities

• Understand the metaphor and the dualistic dynamic as a mechanism of stretching, expanding, and growing.
• Know the elevated dynamic of metamorphosis/transforming and transcending. 
• Suspend judgement, observe and be mindful of the pattern and process.
• Know it is a process of transformation.
• Using skills of breathing, concentration, equanimity, and insight, helps a person to see and align opportunities and potentials that are revealed in the “gap.”
• Know that growing requires a bit of work to actualize opportunities and potentials to fruition (gardening metaphor). 

The Questions

Receiving permission from the client, provide compassionate and graceful feedback. It is difficult for any person to see or experience themselves without a mirror. The mirror is a metaphor (tool) for a client to discover themselves. The problem is that many experience themselves negatively (feeling pain and suffering). Especially when they bump up against external reality/or experiences, then reinforce their interpretation of themselves. Because of the lack of perspective and/or a lack of training to question themselves, their experience and why they feel, think and exist in a situation of pain and suffering. They cannot look at themselves internally or introspectively. 

The three simple questions are: First and foremost is “who am I?” Second, is “what is your passion, joy or love?” And last, “what are you going to do about it?” Many do not realize they are sovereign beings. And they have the “right” to question who they are. And thus, cannot question their interpretation (understanding) of themselves and their existence. Rest assured that when a client comes and ask “why is this happening to me?” This is a monumental, courageous, and significant turning point for the client (awareness, realization, and wanting to change). It is the opportunity in which to leverage change. The empathic sacred space can be seen as a process of death and rebirth. Merely being a psychological/spiritual doula or midwife for a person to birth a new sense of themselves.

Most have NOT been taught the perspective and skills to do the internal or introspective work. The questions of “who am I” and “why is this happening?” Often initially involve their “shadow.” Thus, their world is mostly external focused. Yet internally, their experience and feeling of life is as a “victim.” Which is a life of fear, i.e., fight, flight or freeze. And the associated feelings depression, anxiety, somatized (physical pain) and their life as being captured and in a cage with no recognition, agency, or ability. Therefore, the feelings of desperation. A general lack of flowing life and energy.

The Mirror

A “reflection” (mirror) is a tool which affords the client an opportunity to more deeply consider and take opportunities to change for themselves. External life is the mirror. Internal or introspective life is polishing the mirror. And “empathy” is the rag we used to polish the mirror. Empathy is the graceful and gentle polishing of the mirror to become clearer. Which involves acknowledging (seeing) their pain and suffering that can be wiped off the mirror. “Name it, so they can claim it.” And thus, being able to see these specks of dirt, the client can wipe them away. The empath is merely asking them what are they going to do? Or would you like to clean up or wipe off this speck of dirt?

Side Note: Clients know you can’t do a thing for them. If fact trying to convince them otherwise is quickly noted as bullshit, inauthentic and being untruthful. What they want is a path out of the weeds, some hope and encouragement. They are afraid of having things “done to them!” At a deep level, they know they must decide and learn how to do things for themselves. But they don’t know how. Thus, Love Change Grow became a down and dirty way model for them to align with their love, recognize opportunities to change, along with the framework and process of working their soul’s garden to discover and grow their life. 

The empathic connection is for the client. For them to discover and briefly meet (experience) their opportunity to change. The empath is the “catalyst” for change. An empath is only providing the opportunity for the other person to see and briefly discover another aspect of themselves. This brief empathic sanctuary is an experience of hope and the discovery that the client could be different. Eventually, the client understands they will need to own and do their work. BUT it is their sovereign choice to change or not and when to do so.

The empathic connection also reflects or mirrors. In that you are being a mirror for the client, it is because you have had similar experiences. But are no longer trapped in the pain and suffering experience. Thus, we have the resources to be compassionate, graceful, kind and patient. We have recognized and experienced that we are creators, protectors, victims, and liberators of our creation. Eventually we learn to liberate ourselves by creating, discovering/tapping into, or remembering more enlightened aspect of ourselves.  

Of course, this is beyond being just an empath. You can offer or if the client asks. You can point out the direction you would go or what has worked for you. But understanding that it is their path and sovereignty.

Fundamentally it is the recognition of another soul being on their path. And if their burden is heavy, you are merely asking or noting the possibility that they could drop that burden. And perhaps they could use their wings to fly. Despite their choice, you remain compassionate, graceful and joyous for the opportunity of meeting and communing with them for a moment.

Empathic Flow/Process

Pay attention to the energy and how it flows. There are parts where the energy builds, releases, and opens. The changes are palatable. You recognize the aspects and pattern of the flow of energy; allowing it to happen. Recognizing the catalytic opportunities and being fearless, audacious, and intuitive while respecting the client’s sovereignty and integrity. Be compassionate and graceful in letting the energy flow. Understanding it is the pattern of “breakdown, break open and breakthrough.” The client will lead the process. They are already well familiar with the hell of breaking down. Essentially, you are being with them in their experience of breaking open and point them in the direction to breakthrough. All you are doing is providing a bit of debriefing, pointing out, perspectives and skills. Basically providing anchoring to client’s experiences and insights.

In a sense, you are just opening yourself to feel the energy of the client. Using your consciousness to see and help the client flow their energy towards opportunities to change. An empath is helping (teaching) the client to become aware and bring into their consciousness the awareness to the flow. Noticing the opportunities that are presented in the gaps of the flow. The client knows via evidenced by their decisions they change the opportunities that are presented. Thus, via their consciousness, they can take advantage of the opportunities that are present in their flow of energy. Learning to use their consciousness to take advantage of the opportunities that reveal themselves in their new experiences… and change. Remember, do not work harder than the client. Remember, you want them to have the insight, recognize it is their skills, and for them to discover the skills and opportunities for themselves. Thus to claim both the success as theirs and failures as learning opportunities. Again, it is their life, path; they need to own it. You don’t want them to attribute their accomplishment to you! All you have done is shown a small bit of kindness and grace.

If the client attributes their success to you, then there is the potential for the client to become addicted to you. And for you to become enmeshed or co-dependent (need) them for your accomplishment and validation. The psych terms are transference and countertransference. Thus, neither you nor the client are sovereign. Side Note: In psychology, generally there are many cautions of the therapist sharing their life experiences with the client. In large part this is due to “ethical complexity” of enmeshment and counter-transference. And if this enmeshment occurs it is dealt with in clinical supervision or in therapist’s own therapy.

The Client’s Flow

Allowing the energy of the client to flow. If needed bring their awareness that an opportunity is being presented and is perhaps to be grasped, taken and be actualized. The emphasis if for them to use their awareness and become conscious of their ability to change. The client via their behavior/action are the one who is changed. And their external reality changes because of their ability to see and grasp the opportunities that flow to them. Their perspective of who they are changes. Resultingly, their decisions change and their internal and external perceptions and interpretations of life changes. 

This is what I call “Love Change Grow” strategy or method, which is simply acknowledging and claiming your passion, joy and love. Recognizing the abundant opportunities to change that appear in the gap of change. And thus, the decision to align with your passions and joy. And last, understanding their (client’s) sovereign responsibility. Be gracious and offer the framework growing/gardening. In which they are gardener of their own soul. They are the garden, tomato plant and the gardener. And that each season presents a different task. If they know and understand the framework and process of gardening, one can quickly change their life. This is simply using empathy (the ability of connection) is a catalyst.

Empathy as a Fractal Catalyst

Empathy is merely a catalyst in the process of change. 

Definition of a catalyst (a general internet search notes):

A substance that changes the rate of a chemical reaction but is itself unchanged at the end of the process. Especially: such a substance that speeds up a reaction or enables it to proceed under milder conditions. 2.: A person or event that quickly causes change or action. The scandal was a catalyst for reform.

A substance that enables a chemical reaction to proceed at a usually faster rate or under different conditions (as at a lower temperature) than otherwise possible. 2.: An agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action.

A catalyst is a person who by his actions selflessly helps, mentors, influences and guides other people – professionally and /or personally in their lives and in the process inspires them to enjoy their life journey and make their lives fulfilling and better.”

In short, you are teaching a person to use their consciousness to connect to other aspects of themselves. That their consciousness is a catalyst in and for their life.  Teaching them to be their own catalytic substance for their life; enhancing the awareness and joy that they can easily change. Btw anything, an event, person, or other randomness in life can be a catalyst of change. The trick is to look it right (a perspective). To understand its potential and the opportunities that are revealed. All is just “revelation.” The revealing of technique, skills of execution, and to gain personal knowledge (experience).  In this we discover random happenings in life are for revealing your divinity. Remember, it does not matter what happens in life. It’s about your response to what happens. You are the catalyst of becoming and being. Empathy is a catalytic substance for connection and relationships which opens or reveals other experiences.  

Side Note: The Sledgehammer

There are folks out to save someone else… often with the sledgehammer of their convictions. Which works great with the client who desires to be saved with said sledgehammer. Yet the client’s desire to be saved is often clouded in escapism and avoidance of their sovereignty. Perhaps they haven’t clearly realized their situation. The realization is simply they are responsible and must become motivated to do something for themselves. 

Instead of being a sledgehammer, you are merely a “signpost” that points in a direction. And the client still must decide which path to take. And then take each step on their path or journey into themselves. Ignoring this, you (the empath) are ignoring the client’s sovereignty and responsibility. Sure, you (the empath) can try, and you might learn something unexpected about yourself. 

Respect the sovereignty and recognizing that each person has their path. That life happens for a person and not merely to them. 

Blessings,

Tim

LINKS noted

Empathy:  https://lovechangegrow.com/the-gift-of-empathic-witness-mh2/

Breathing & Mindfulness:  https://lovechangegrow.com/breath-and-mindfulness/ and https://lovechangegrow.com/mindfulness42016/

Wrathful and Peaceful Deities:  https://lovechangegrow.com/wrathful-and-peaceful-deities/

Breakdown, Break Open and Breakthrough:  https://lovechangegrow.com/the-hell-of-breakdown-breaking-open-and-breakthrough/